How to Come to Peace With the Pain of Others 

One of the things we must all deal with in our lives is the reality that loved ones will die. As I’ve gotten older that reality comes closer and closer to home. Both Carlin and I have gone through the pain of our parent’s death. We’ve also had close friends die and been with friends who face the illnesses that eventually take our lives. At some point, we will have to deal with the loss of one or the other of us. As some of you know, we are dealing with the loss of our newest family member.

It’s difficult enough when an adult dies after a long life. There is another level of pain when a child dies. How does one deal with that reality? How does one help those we love deal with it?

First, it’s clear that it’s an on-going process. When we first heard about the death of the baby there was shock and confusion, tears of sadness and grief. As the days go on the pain comes in waves and the pain becomes bearable as we get support from friends and family. My friend, Jude, sent this video link about how one deals with the loss of a child. It was heartfelt and helpful to us.

I also have gotten help from my colleague Rick Hanson who wrote an article, “Be at Peace with the Pain of Others.” He says that humans are an empathic, compassionate, and loving species, so it is natural to feel sad, worried, or fiery about the troubles and pain of other people. Long ago, the Buddha spoke of the “first dart” of unavoidable physical pain. Given our hardwired nature as social beings, when those we care about are threatened or suffer, there is another kind of first dart: unavoidable emotional pain.

I remember the pain of my parent’s death. Even though they had lived a long life, my mother lived to be 80 and my father 90, it was still a shock and the pain rippled through my being in waves until finally, there is a bitter-sweet ache when I remember their lives.

Dr. Hanson goes on to say there are the “second darts” we throw ourselves: rehashing past events, writing angry mental emails in the middle of the night, anxious rumination, thinking you’re responsible when you’re not, feeling flooded or overwhelmed or drained, getting sucked into conflicts between others, etc. etc. Most of our stresses and upsets come from these second darts: needless suffering that we cause ourselves – the opposite of being at peace.

Both my parents died when I had gone on a trip and for a while I tortured myself with recriminations that I wasn’t with them when they passed. I gradually realized that they needed me to be away so they could let go. Often a person is ready to leave, but their loved ones hold on so tightly, they have a difficult time leaving this existence to whatever comes after. I do believe the spirit lives on and though I don’t know for sure, I suspect the spirits of our departed loved ones are present on some plane of being.

Dr. Hanson offers guidance for being present for a loved one who is dealing with the pain of loss without becoming overwhelmed by our own pain:

• Keep a warm heart

Let the pain of the other person wash through you. Don’t resist it. Opening your heart, finding compassion – the sincere wish that a being not suffer – will lift and fuel you to bear the other’s pain. We long to feel received by others; turn it around: your openness to another person, your willingness to be moved, is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.

• Do what you can

When someone we love is in pain, we often feel overwhelmed. We want to help, but there’s only so much we can do. Yet, we feel we should do more. Nkosi Johnson was born in South Africa with HIV in 1989 and he died 12 years later – after becoming a national advocate for people with HIV/AIDS. I think often of something he said, paraphrased slightly here: “Do what you can, with what you’ve been given, in the place where you are, with the time that you have.” We can’t do everything, but even a small thing can help ease the pain.

• See the big picture

Dr. Hanson says that whatever the pain of another person happens to be – perhaps due to illness, family quarrel, poverty, aging, depression, stressful job, worry about a child, disappointment in love, or the devastation of war – it is made up of many parts (emotions, sensations, thoughts, etc.) that are the result of a vast web of causes.

Being human means we must all deal with suffering, our own and the suffering of those we love. I believe we are all here for a reason and have a life journey to make. Some journeys are short. Others are long. All of them have beginnings and endings and all of them have a complex mixture of lessons to learn, many beyond our limited understanding.

The support of friends and family help me to deal with the mysteries of life and will help me as I travel south to be with my family as they begin their own healing journey to better understand the meaning for all of us in the life and death of our little one.

Thank you all for your kindnesses, love, and support. Keep your hearts open and share your love, compassion, and tears. We all need all the support we can get.