Anger came and went in our house until I was 4 years old. Then it moved in and wouldn’t leave. We all get angry at times, often with the people who are closest to us. But when anger becomes chronic and people begin to feel unsafe, it can wreck a relationship. Often anger runs in families. I grew up with anger and anger became a problem in my own family. Certainly, women get angry as often as men, but male anger can be particularly destructive. I’ve learned to tame the anger dragon and I’d like to teach you how to better handle anger in your own life.
Whether you are a man who becomes angry more than you’d like, a woman who is living with an angry man, or you grew up with anger and know that you still have some healing to do, I’d like to help. I can tell you, being an angry man isn’t good for the man and it isn’t good for his family. The positive news is that you don’t have to live with an angry dragon in your home. The first step in regaining control is to recognize that the male-anger dragon has moved in with you.
We often aren’t aware of the extent of our anger. Here are ten questions that I’ve found to be strong indicators that anger is a problem for men and their families. Answer true or false to the following:
- At times I feel like swearing.
- At times I feel like smashing things.
- I often can’t understand why I’ve been so irritable and grouchy.
- I easily become impatient with people.
- I am often said to be hotheaded and have a short-fuse.
- I am often annoyed when someone tries to get ahead of me in a line.
- I have at times had to be rough with people who were rude or annoying.
- I am often sorry because I am so irritable and grouchy.
- I can be very stubborn.
- Sometimes I get so angry and upset, I don’t know what comes over me.
If you’re a man who answered “yes” to 5 or more or a woman who recognizes 5 or more of these indicators in the man in her life, you may benefit from my upcoming class “How to Live with An Angry Man.”
It seems that men are becoming increasingly angry these days and many people ask me why. Here are some of the reasons I’ve found working with men and their families for more than 40 years now:
- People are becoming more stressed and stressed-out men often become angry.
- Depression is on the rise throughout the world and depressed men often become irritable and angry.
- Many of us grew up in homes where men were angry or depressed and we have unhealed wounds from childhood which come out in later anger.
- Women also suffer from many of these problems. Their own pain, stress, depression, and anger can trigger anger in the men.
- Men often frighten women without knowing it and when women withdraw or close down, it triggers fear and then anger in men.
- Women often shame men without knowing it and when a man feels disrespected, he often becomes irritable and angry.
- Men want to please women and when they feel their woman is unhappy, they often blame themselves. Self-blame often leads to irritability and anger.
- In most families today, men and women have to work outside the home and work is often stressful, which leads to anger at home.
- There are more and more people living on a finite planet and we all feel the stress of crowding that can lead to anger.
- In spite of the fact that our standard of living is increasing, we know that humans are living unsustainably and we’re mad as hell about what we’re doing to the Earth.
The comedian Elayne Booser once observed, “When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”
Fortunately, there are things we can do to tame the anger dragon in spite of the stresses of modern life. In my book best-selling book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship From the Irritable Male Syndrome, I note that (IMS) can cause anger to spiral out of control.
I invite your questions and comments. If you’d like to learn more about my upcoming class you can do so here.
A major cause of anger which Jed alluded to is an early trauma, circumcision or partial penile amputation!!
I know so many circumcised men whose anger is below the surface, but would be explosive if they let it out. Who would not be angry if someone else deprived them of having normal sex?
I have eight stepsons. Of the four from my first wife, 2 are intact and two are cut. The difference in their anger is palpable. The other four are from a Jewish mother and they have handled it much better, but two have told me that they wish I had been there to protect them.
George,
Thanks for sharing your personal experiences. I, too, realized that male circumcision, like female circumcision is a form of child sexual abuse. More and more people are recognizing that. Even my Jewish tradition more parents are opting for ceremonies that don’t involve cutting off a significant portion of a boy’s protective foreskin.
Regarding circumcision: had my son’s father not said he wanted his son “to look like (him)” –circumcised, I would not have taken him to a doctor.
Witnessing the circumcision was the hardest thing I ever did as a mother.
It took years before it stopped being something guaranteed to cause me to feel sad, ashamed, and angry.
My son probably doesn’t (and hasn’t) spent a whole lot of time mourning his lost foreskin.
He is a father of a girl child now. I’m sure he would choose to have a male child’s foreskin remain intact.
Comparing male circumcision to female circumcision is not equal. Not AT ALL equal!!
Female circumcision IS mutilation–the complete removal of the clitoris and almost the complete sewing up of the vagina.
Men probably use their circumcisions to justify their anger at women.
Pita,
Thanks for sharing. Circumcision takes something important a precious away, whether its a female or male who is getting circumcised. I interviewed Soraya Mire, a female circumcision activist in Africa, about male and female circumcision. She had the radical cutting you describe as a girl and many girls stir undergo in parts of sub Saharan Africa. What’s done to boys is certainly not comparable. But she told me, “It never occurred to me that what was done to boys was anything like what was done to girls, but when I witnessed a male circumcision and heard the little baby boy scream, I realized the scream was the same one I heard from little girls, the same scream I remembered making when I was cut. We should work to end circumcision for both boys and girls.”
Doctors are just like pedophile priests; they enter their profession so they can commit their crimes with protection. It is illegal to circumcise in America (the 1997 FGM Law plus the 14th Amendment). We must enforce this law.
By the way, Ras-Putin hypnotized Trump, and has given him a post -hypnotic suggestion.
Men are angry because too many times, we have been told to shut our mouths up by our parents, other family members, religious authorities, police officers and finally the bosses in our workplace. We are constantly told not to stand up (or rather backtalk) to adults. We are told to respect and obey our parents even when they are wrong because you are living in their house. Guess what, we didn’t get to chose our parents and they can’t expect us to shut our mouths forever. Don’t argue with cops? Guess what, we should be allowed to talk back to the cops when they step out of line. These cops are lucky that Americans don’t take the Second Amendment too seriously; otherwise, a lot of cops would be dead on the streets from 2nd Amendment people who use their guns to protect themselves from a tyrannical government. Don’t talk back to the boss because he/she is the boss and if you don’t like it, find another job. Guess what, just because the boss is the boss, he/she should not be allowed to make bad decision that affects people’s lives at home and in the rest of the world. In addition, the boss has a variety of means to make sure that you don’t get another job or start another career. You look at American society, and worker rights in that country is one of the worst in the world.
Many guys get angry with women because many women don’t have the self-discipline to know when to close their mouths and/or not argue over anything and everything. Instead, they keep pushing men’s buttons where men finally lash out. In addition, men are taught never to argue with a woman. Why should men not be allowed to argue with women since the women in many situations started the whole conversation in the first place and would not fair fight in the first place and they argue over anything and everything whether real or imaginary situations that are minor in nature but the women make a federal case out of it and they tell the men that they don’t want to hear anything from them. You got too many narcissist /bully women out there.
Many guys get angry because our top leaders in society have not done a thing about bullying at home, school, and in the workplace and many of themselves are bullies/narcissist themselves who thrive on bullying people and will not help implement strong laws and enforcement of those laws to stop bullying. You also have too many male bullies/narcissists out there too.
Gunther,
As you point out, a lot of things can trigger our anger. I’ve learned to listen deeply to what gets triggered in me, what feelings it brings up, where they may resonate from my past. For instance, I’ve learned that I often get angry women my wife is late and I expected her home earlier. I realized that below the anger are hurts that she isn’t paying more attention to my feelings, fears that maybe something happened to her, etc. Going deeper I realize that these are feelings I often had with my mother and experiences of being left alone when I was little and fears that she might not return or something would happen to her. When we go deeper to understand our feelings, we gain more control of our lives and are not constantly being set off by other people’s issues. This gives me greater freedom and peace of mind.
eight months ago i started doing the Wim Hof breathing and cold exposure. the first two weeks of doing the breathing exercises which includes deep breathing then holding on the last outbreath for two minutes, then deep inhale and pushing the air up to the head. huge fear came up for me, fear i had no idea was there. was told that the body was releasing stuff that it wanted cleared. it took two weeks and it was gone. once it was gone, i could then see it had been there my entire life running things in the background. it was like i was a horse with blinders on pulling a heavy cart while being whipped and chasing a carrot out in front. suddenly it was all gone. and my body just wanted to sleep and rest. it had caused my body to be in fight or flight mode for so long. the problem i then had to confront was being able to now see all the people i had run over during my lifetime due to this. i had wondered where this had started. was it the circumscism, or was sit due to having my umbilicle cord cut before i began breathing on my own. have heard that the baby if left on its own will naturally begin to breath, and then the umbilicle cord will break. it is not natural to cut the umbilicle cord as this is how the baby is getting oxygen, and then hang it upside down and smack it. this causes trauma. i do not know where the trauma came, maybe from all of it. i am so grateful to have the trauma released though. the problem i also found was i was so used to the fight or flight, whip that i found myself no longer motivated. at least the motivation that i knew. i stayed in the what i call a void for a few months, and now what is naturally occuring is my heart and joy are awakening. also i found myself very vulnerable through this process, as i no longer had the fight or flight protecting me, at least what i knew as protection. it was all new and very scary as i got to know my heart on a new level. still a work in progress. thank you for reading this and allowing me to share my journey thus far.