Part 3
When I was five years old my father took an overdose of sleeping pills and was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital. I grew up with an insatiable desire to understand what happened to my father and terrified it would happen to me. I went to college, got married, had children, earned a master’s degree, then a PhD, and launched MenAlive.com. I’m seventy-seven now and continue my quest to understand men and the women who love us. Here are the highlights of what I have learned thus far.
I continue our understanding from Part I and Part 2 by looking, in more depth, at the way our sexual nature is built into every cell of our bodies.
- Every cell in your body is sex specific.
According to David C. Page, M.D., professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT),
“There are 10 trillion cells in the human body and every one of them is sex specific.”
We all start out as a single cell and after conception the cells continue to divide and differentiate until there is a complete being, either a male or a female.
Every one of our 10 trillion cells contains 23 sets of chromosomes. We get one of each pair from our mother in the egg, and one of each pair from our father in the sperm. The first 22 pairs are labeled longest to shortest. The last pair are called the sex chromosomes labeled X or Y. Females have two X chromosomes (XX), and males have an X and a Y chromosome (XY).
It has been said that our genomes are 99.9% identical from one person to the next. “It turns out that this assertion is correct,” says Dr. Page,
“as long as the two individuals being compared are both men. It’s also correct if the two individuals being compared are both women. However, if you compare the genome of a man with the genome of a woman, you’ll find that they are only 98.5% identical.”
“In other words,” says Dr. Page,
“the genetic difference between a man and a woman are 15 times greater than the genetic difference between two men or between two women.” [.1% compared to 1.5%].
- Those who carry two X chromosomes in every cell of their bodies, i.e. females, have a distinct health advantage over those who only carry a single X, i.e. males.
Here are some facts: Women live longer than men. They have stronger immune systems. They’re better at fighting cancer and surviving famine, and even see the world in a wider variety of colors. They are simply stronger than men at every stage of life. Why is this? And why are we taught the opposite?
I believe men’s basic insecurity keeps us proclaiming “we’re the greatest” and for many insecure men, particularly those in positions of power, they are invested in keeping us ignorant of the facts of life. In a dominator culture focused on an addictive drive for more, male superiority is part of conducting business as usual.
However, science believes the truth will set us free. In his ground-breaking book, The Better Half: On the Genetic Superiority of Women, Dr. Sharon Moelem, M.D., PhD, says, “My original genetics research and clinical discoveries, my life experiences, the groundbreaking work of my colleagues, and the findings of pioneering scientists challenging the doctrines of their time have culminated in this undeniable understanding: women are the stronger sex.
In the book, Dr. Moelem explores the key challenges that occur throughout life and show how genetic females conquer them, leaving males behind when it comes to longevity, resilience, intellect, and stamina.”
Fortunately, men who are willing to accept the truth can learn to built on what they do well as men and expand their repertoire of feelings and actions to embrace the feminine that lives within each of us.
- Accept that males and females communicate differently.
The different ways men and women have evolved show themselves in the ways we communicate. We all notice that men talk differently than women. Male talk and female talk isn’t always obvious since when men talk to women and women talk to men, we have to accommodate to each other’s natural mode of communicating. When I’m with my male friends, I notice that communication is shorter and has an element of friendly put downs, like when I talk to my friend Lanny about playing racquetball:
Lanny: Hey, want to play today?
Me: Sure, what time?
Lanny: Let’s do 1:00.
Me: Be there. Be prepared to have your butt whupped.
Lanny: In your dreams, little man.
Me: You’ve been warned.
Lanny: Bye.
Me: Bye.
If I were to write out the dialogue when my wife talks to her women friends about setting a time to meet, it would take three pages. They would talk about feelings. How other friends were doing. The recipe for the lasagna dinner they were planning to make, etc. etc. etc. When I overhear a conversation like that or when I’m listening to my wife, I’m thinking to myself, Jesus, when is she going to get to the point?
John L. Locke is Professor of Linguistics at City University of New York. In his book, Duels and Duets: Why Men and Women Talks So Differently, he clearly describes the way our evolution-based communication patterns have evolved into the ways men and women talk. He says, “The more dramatic differences that occur when men talk with men, and women with women, are not the ‘gendered’ effects of modern culture but the ‘sexed’ expression of ancient biological dispositions. These dispositions are as different as they are because ancestral men and women competed for the things they need in two fundamentally different ways.”
Drawing on animal studies, Locke notes that “In birds and mammals, including the other primates, sexually mature males are prone to contend with each other in highly public vocal displays that are aggressive or ‘agonistic’ in nature. We may think of these engagements as ‘duels.’ In many primate species, sexually mature females have an equally strong disposition to affiliate with other females, in more private and intimate circumstances, by engaging them in subdued vocal interactions. I refer to these interactions as ‘duets.’
Locke summarizes the research on male communication. Males are more likely than females to:
- Interrupt each other.
- Issue commands, threats, and boasts.
- Resist each other’s demands.
- Give information.
- Heckle.
- Tell jokes or suspenseful stories.
- Try to top another’s story.
- Insult or denigrate each other.
By contrast, research indicates that females in same-sex groups are more likely than males to:
- Agree with other speakers.
- Yield to other speakers.
- Acknowledge points made by other speakers.
- He polite.
- Cooperate and collaborate.
Locke concludes in saying,
“There is also a rule that applies to female groups: Do what it takes to preserve group harmony.“
This rule underlies the female tendencies enumerated above. In the case of males, the corresponding rule would be:
“Do what is necessary to be seen as the most wonderful anything—from strong and knowledgeable to brave and resourceful—whether that means building yourself up or tearing everyone else down.”
In honor of men’s health month, I have a special offer on my book 12 Rules for Good Men. If you find my articles interesting and helpful, please check out my other writing here.
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