Is It Time for Truth & Reconciliation Around Sexual Violence? 

Sexual abuse and violence is out of the closet and we are beginning to talk about an issue that has long been hidden. One of the advantages of having a president who bragged about his own misconduct, is that we are all forced to address these issues.  We all remember the Donald Trump’s words in the “Access Hollywood” tape.

It begins with audio of Mr. Trump speaking with Billy Bush, the former “Access Hollywood” host, on a bus. In the section that attracted the most attention, Mr. Trump referred to kissing women and grabbing them by their genitals without their consent.

Mr. Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Mr. Bush: Whatever you want.

Mr. Trump: Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

Donald Trump was elected to the presidency, even after these comments were reported. Yet, the times are changing as more and more women come out and acknowledge, #metoo, and more men come out to believe and support them.

Despite strong support from President Trump, Roy Moore was defeated in Alabama. Doug Jones became the first Democrat in a generation to win a Senate seat in Alabama, beating Republican Roy Moore amid a firestorm of allegations that the GOP candidate had sexually abused teens.

If we want to end sexual abuse, we have to do more than defeat the men who abuse women. There needs to be a real dialogue between the men who are sexually abusive and the women who are abused by them. We’ve focused more on helping the women get the support and have the courage to step forward and acknowledge and talk about what happened to them.

Yet, true healing and reconciliation is possible. I recently wrote an article, “Sexual Abuse is Out of the Closet: The Cycle and Hidden Cause No One Wants to Talk About.” It was a provocative title and there were many comments. Even when I wrote the article I knew that some men were beginning to take responsibility for their own abusive behavior. We may be reluctant to talk about these issues, but more and more people are doing so.

The comedian, Louis C.K., acknowledged his abusive behavior. “These stories are true,” C.K. said. “At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my d–k without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your d–k isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them. The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.”

I learned about another man who is talking about raping his girlfriend. He first denied that his actions constituted rape, but when confronted years later by the woman he had sex with when she was too drunk to consent, he was able to acknowledge what he had done. His name is Tom and the woman’s name is Thordis. Their healing story from rape to reconciliation has been told through a powerful TED talk they gave recently and in a book they wrote together, South of Forgiveness: A True Story of Rape and Forgiveness.

 The talk moved me deeply as we are given a look at what happened between a young man and a young woman and how they had the courage to confront what had happened to them and learned how to tell their truth without labelling each other as “rapist” and “victim.” Thordis says:

“Given the nature of our story—I know the words that inevitably accompany it—victim, rapist—and labels are a way to organize concepts. But they can also be dehumanizing in their connotations. Once someone has been deemed a victim, it’s that much easier to file them away as someone damaged, dishonored, less than. And likewise, once someone has been branded a rapist, it’s that much easier to call him a monster, inhuman. But how we will understand what it is in human societies that produces violence if we refuse to recognize the humanity of those who commit it? And how can we empower survivors if we’re making them feel less than? How can we discuss solutions to one of the biggest threats to women and children around the world if the very words we use are part of the problem?”

When I wrote my article about the cycle of violence and talked about the need to address abuse in men’s lives, some people were critical. They felt that this was a time for men to listen to women, not to join in the discussions and talk about their own abuse issues. My wife, Carlin, was one who felt that these kinds of discussions between men and women, was premature. She may be right.

Yet at some point we need to bring men and women together to talk about their own experiences. My colleague, Lissa Rankin says:

“I don’t think it’s too soon to care about and listen to our men. I think nobody rises until we all rise, and we need our men right next to us as women stand up and say ENOUGH ALREADY. My intention by opening this invitation was to initiate dialogue so we can all start listening to one another, rather than letting our righteous anger cause more harm through shaming, blaming, and demonizing, which separates rather than uniting the genders.”

I think Lissa is right. We certainly need to hear from courageous women like Thordis who had the courage to confront her attacker and hold him accountable for his actions. We also need to hear from men like Tom who needed to tell his own story without being blamed and shamed.

Sexual abuse wounds women. But it also wounds men. Are we ready for the kind of reconciliation that went on in South Africa to heal the racial divide in the country and years later was able to bring Tom and Thordis together?

I look forward to hearing from you. I very much appreciate your comments and having a discussion about these important issues.