Like everyone else on the face of the planet I’ve wanted real, lasting love. And like everyone on the face of the planet I haven’t found these simple words—Real, Lasting, Love—easy to attain. Like many, I got married in my twenties. Being young and in love, we were sure our relationship would last a life-time. It lasted ten years and produced two wonderful children. I fell in love again, but that relationship was short lived. Before giving it another try I vowed that I would figure out the secrets of having a relationship that lasted a lifetime.
I feel I’ve learned the secret and want to share it with you. My third marriage, to my wife Carlin, is going strong after thirty-five years. We certainly have our ups and downs, but we’ve learned the one thing that can save and revitalize any marriage, even if it is in deep trouble and only one person is ready to make things better.
I’ll be honest, after two unsuccessful marriages I wondered whether it was possible for me to find the right person and be able to have real, lasting love. If it was possible I worried that it would take constant work and eventually would wear me down. I didn’t want to be constantly working on my relationship. I just wanted to have a joyful life with a loving wife. Was that too much to ask?
Some people have learned to settle for a love that is lasting, but not real. They stay together because they are afraid to leave, but all the life has drained out of the relationship. Others go from one relationship to the next, feeling the passion of new love, but longing for a relationship that will last through time. I want you to know that you can have it all. You can learn the secrets for having real, lasting, love.
To introduce these secrets, I want to give you some wisdom from one of my favorite character actors Jack Palance. In the original movie City Slickers with Billy Crystal, Palance played the part of an old cowboy named Curly who almost never spoke (he definitely had that “traditional male thing” going). But under that hard, impenetrable, exterior Crystal found the wisdom of a lifetime.
In an unlikely heart-to-heart talk Curly shared with Billy the Secret of Life. He told the excited Billy that “the secret of life is one thing.” When pressed for the wisdom Curly refused to divulge what that “one thing” was. He said Billy would have to find it himself. Palance puts Billy and his buddies through cowboy experiences that helped teach them about life–A sort of Curly-guided rites of passage. Palance won the 1992 academy award for best supporting actor.
In accepting the award the 73 year-old actor described the ways producers questioned whether he could do the demanding role at his age. “Maybe we should get a younger actor and make him look older,” the producers wondered. In answer to the implied question about the older actors ability to handle the physical demands, Palance walked around the podium and proceeded to do one-armed pushups much to the delight of everyone, young and old.
Palance didn’t tell us The Secret of Life, but watching him we all felt energized to live fully. We all would like to know the secret of real, lasting love. And like Billy, we all have to find in for ourselves. But there is one thing I’ve learned that can turn any relationship around and get it headed in the right direction.
We know that “One Thing” can make all the difference in the world. We’ve all known someone whose life made a dramatic turn for the better. They may have recovered from a serious illness or brush with death and had a new lease on life. They may have fallen in love late in life, after they had totally given up finding a partner. They may have had a spiritual awakening and learned to see life anew.
Whatever happened, a new light came into their eyes. They may have spoken of one experience, one person, one breakthrough, one aha moment, one door opening. One Thing!
When Carlin and I got married, we were sure that third-time is the charm. We knew that this was it, that we’d finally found the love of our lives and we thought we had the knowhow keep our love alive and flowing. But something happened along the way. I became increasingly irritable and angry and to protect herself she closed down. We struggled to find our way and even though we are both therapists, it looked like we might not make it.
But we discovered the One Thing that can save your relationship and we want to share it with you. Simply stated:
The One Thing that can save your relationship and put you on the path to real, lasting love is a change of heart.
When our love was flowing, our hearts and minds seemed locked into a positive mode. We felt blessed to be together, appreciative of all the small and large kindnesses we were given, and continually grateful for the great gift of being together. But gradually over time, our hearts and minds began to be drawn to the negative. I would feel slighted by something Carlin would say or do and I would feel irritated and angry. I wasn’t consciously aware that anything was amiss, but the atmosphere in our home would go from warm and cozy, to cold and prickly. Carlin would say I would get “beady-eyed” and it seemed that nothing she would do would please me.
She would close down to protect herself. She described it being like a clam with a soft and loving center who is picked at until she would close her shell tight. I didn’t recognize my irritability and anger, so it looked to me like things were fine until she suddenly shut down and withdrew her love. “Of course, I’m angry,” I thought, flapping my wings like a belligerent seagull. “Who wouldn’t be angry when the person you love suddenly closes down and shuts you out?”
Carlin had the opposite perception. “Of course, I’m closing down,” she thought. “Who wouldn’t protect themselves when the person you love suddenly attacks you?”
We each perceived the other person initiating the negative interaction and ourselves as the innocent victim simply defending ourselves against the other person’s attack. These kinds of negative cycles go on in all relationships:
She closes down because he is irritable and attacking.
He becomes irritable and angry because she closes him out.
She closes him out because he is attacking.
And on and on.
These negative cycles can be destructive to the health of the relationship, and to the health of the people in the relationship. We know that stress can contribute to everything from breast cancer (which Carlin has had to deal with) to atrial fibrillation (which I’ve had to deal with). Negative cycles result from stress and stress contributes to the negative cycles.
What breaks the cycle is a change of heart. We remind ourselves that my partner loves and cares for me. They are not the enemy. Instead of responding negatively we can find a way to heal the hurt we feel without engaging our part of the negative cycle. A change of heart can occur instantly.
There is a famous optical illusion I think of as the “beauty” or the “hag.” When you look at the picture from one point of view it looks like a beauty with a lovely chin line and her head turned away. From another point of view, we see an old woman with a big nose, chin, and droopy eye.
This reminds me that when our heart is open and we feel trusting and safe, our partner looks beautiful and love flows easily. However, when negativity builds up and becomes rigid, all we can see is an ugly person who, like the old witch from Hanzel and Gretel, wants to lure us in with promises of candy and delight, then will lock us up and eat us.
The bad news is that we when we get triggered by old fears, we can get locked on the witch and have trouble seeing the beauty in our partner. The good news is that an open heart is just a heartbeat away. As we heal old wounds, we spend more of our lives locked into the beauty of our relationship. When we do have an experience where our partner triggers old fears, we can better deal with them without getting caught in the downward spiral of closed-heartedness.
I look forward to hearing your experiences and getting your comments.
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