(Note: This article is the fourth in my Good Men Manifesto series. Here’s the first one, here’s part two, and this is part three.)
- Imagine the beauty of life beginning when a successful sperm gains access to a valuable egg.
Most men know that size matters. Yet most of us are not aware of the difference in size and number between a sperm and an egg. A human egg is 85,000 times larger than a sperm. Each man produces 100 to 300 million sperm per ejaculate.[1]
Dr. Stephen Emlen is Professor of Behavioral Ecology at Cornell University and a world authority on the social behavior of animals. He says, “Because of all the resources a female will put into each egg, it makes sense, in most cases, for her to be choosy about whose genes she allows to combine with it, and to continue to invest in its growth and survival after fertilization. For the male, it usually pays best to compete with other males for access to as many eggs as possible. This tends to give rise to the more traditional male/female sex roles.”[2]
- Realize that this cellular reality has an impact on the behavior of males and females.
Dr. Steve Jones is a professor of genetics and head of the prestigious Galton Laboratory, University College of London. “The cellular imbalance is at the center of maleness. It confers on males a simpler sex life than their partners, together with a host of incidental idiosyncrasies, from more suicide, cancer, and billionaires to rather less hair on the top of the head.”[3]
Generally, it is easier to move the smaller sperm to the larger egg than vice versa, and so it is the male that seeks out the female and the female who makes the selection from those males that come courting. Dr. Jones concludes, “From the greenest of algae to the most blue-blooded of aristocrats their restless state hints at an endless race in which males pursue but females escape.”[4]
Of course, if females escaped completely, there wouldn’t be babies and that would be the end of that species. Yet, it does help us to recognize the different challenges males and females face in the mating process.
- Monogamy is not natural for men and women.
Most people still get married and make marriage vows that promise each other that we will love our partner and be sexually faithful only to our partner and we will stay married until “death do we part.” Most of us fail to keep that promise, though most of us try. As a marriage and family counselor, I see a great deal of grief that comes to most couples because we believe in the myth that monogamy is natural. We believe that if we have found the right partner it will be easy to stay in love and have a satisfying sex life forever and ever.
The problem is that evolutionary science tells us that despite our hopes and desires, humans are fighting an uphill battle to practice monogamy. According to evolutionary biologist David P. Barash in his book, Through a Glass Brightly: Using Science to See Our Species as We Really Are, “Polygamy is the default human system.”[5]
We see evidence throughout the animal kingdom and when studying human societies. “Looking at the situation among traditional societies when they were first contacted by Western traders, missionaries, explorers, and colonists,” says Barash, “only about 16 percent were officially monogamous. Of the rest, fewer than 1% were polyandrous [where a woman mates with multiple men], and 83% were avowedly polygynous [where a man mates with multiple women].”[6]
I can already hear a lot of guys jumping up and down and using this information to justify their extra-marital sexual relationships and to convince their wives and partners that they are just “doing what comes naturally.” Before getting too carried away, there are a few additional things you need to know:
- Just because something is natural doesn’t mean it’s good for us (think hurricanes, earthquakes, poisonous snakes, etc.).
- Men aren’t the only ones who have a natural desire to have sex with others. “Substantial evidence points towards polyandry as a female propensity,” says Barash, “albeit not quite as flagrant as the male preference for polygyny.”[7]
- (Remember what’s good for the gander is also good for the goose.)
- We may dream of being a harem master and having lots of women attracted to us, but most men if left to their own devices in the making game would come up short. Most men are better off being monogamous.
- Children are better off when moms and dads stay together.
Monogamy may not be natural, but it’s a good way to be. We just need to accept that it takes hard work to achieve and we should be a bit more understanding when we’re not able to always be successful in keeping our vows, whether we are males or females.
I look forward to your comments and questions. I hope you’ll read the full Good Men Manifesto. If you’d like a copy of the whole thing, drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com. Put “Good Men Manifesto” in the subject line. If you’d like more information about the new book, 12 Rules for Good Men, let me know and I’ll send you the latest information.
[1] Joe Quirk. Sperm Are From Men. Eggs Are From Women: The Real Reason Men and Women Are Different. Running Press Book Publishers, 2006.
[2] PBS, Evolution Library. https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/01/6/l_016_04.html.
[3] Steve Jones. Y: The Descent of Men. Houghton Mifflin, 2003.
[4] Steve Jones. Y: The Descent of Men. Houghton Mifflin, 2003.
[5] David P. Barash. Through a Glass Brightly: Using Science to See Our Species as We Really Are. Oxford UniversityPress, 2018, p. 135.
[6] Barash, Ibid. p. 137.
[7] Barash, Ibid. p. 138.
Can live with them, can’t live without them. 🙂