When I developed a website after the publication of my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, in 1983, my son, Aaron, told me the only sites that were making any money on the internet were those offering pornography. When my second book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, came out in 1988, we were just beginning to recognize that sex could be as addictive as cocaine. It soon became clear that our hunger for sex and love and our interest in the latest tech gadgets were coming together (no pun intended) in surprising ways.
A 2015 article asks, “Is Porn Addiction Really a Thing?” Gary Wilson answers with an emphatic “yes!” Wilson is a former anatomy and physiology teacher, and an expert in the neurochemistry of addiction, mating, and bonding. In his book, Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction, he says, “Overstimulated men report growing numb to life’s subtler pleasures, such as the charms of real partners. At the same time, they can be hypersensitive to the sexual stimuli their brains associated with ‘relief.’ For many, the pursuit of more stimulating materials becomes mandatory to relieve the misery of feeling as if some key ingredient of their happiness is missing—and it is. Brain changes have temporarily dimmed their capacity for enjoyment.”
In his famous TEDx talk, seen by more than 11 million viewers, Wilson says: “The widespread consumption of internet porn is one of the fastest moving global experiments ever conducted.” On his website, YourBrainonPorn.com, he offers factual information to help males understand the impact of virtual-reality sex on their lives.
For the first time in human history, we are seeing widespread erectile dysfunction in young men. This has never happened before. If we understood the nature of addiction and how use of pornography can rewire the brain, we would be very concerned for our young men. And let’s be honest, pornography addiction is not just a problem for young males, it impacts men of all ages.
The good news is that, like all addictions, porn addiction can be treated effectively. But when porn is big business and sexuality, is a basic human need, you can bet that there will be newer and more effective ways to get people hooked.
Welcome to the Not So Brave World of Digisexuality
Until recently I had never heard of the term “digisexual.” A digisexual is a person who is sexually attracted to sexbots or other technologically-mediated forms of sexuality. Now we are seeing another level of sexual engagement between the high-tech world and our low-tech human brains. I have some real concerns for the impact on sex, love, and relationship. I’m counseling a number of men and their partners who feel that internet porn is having a negative impact on their relationship and their lives. I fear the problems will get worse.
A recent New York Times article, titled “Do You Take This Robot,” began this way: When Akihiko Kondo, a 35-year-old school administrator in Tokyo, strolled down the aisle in a white tuxedo in November, his mother was not among the 40 well-wishers in attendance. For her, he said, “it was not something to celebrate.”
You might see why. The bride, a songstress with aquamarine twin tails named Hatsune Miku, is not only a world-famous recording artist who fills up arenas throughout Japan: She is also a hologram. Mr. Kondo insists the wedding was not a stunt, but a triumph of true love after years of feeling ostracized by real-life women for being an anime otaku, or geek. He considers himself a sexual minority facing discrimination.
Other stories I’ve found recently include the following:
👉In 2016, a French woman got engaged to a 3D printed robot she designed.
👉In 2017, a Chinese engineer also got married to a robot of his own making.
👉A recent study showed that 40% of Americans would have sex with a robot.
👉For the last several years in China, a Microsoft chat-bot program called “Xiaoice” has become a beloved virtual friend for millions of Chinese social media users who message “her” to share their hopes and fears.
Learning to find real lasting love with a human person isn’t easy. Most people who get lost in the world of digisexuality began thinking it was a harmless diversion. But I believe we need to help people, particularly guys, to resist the temptation to take shortcuts and learn the skills of achieving sex, love, and intimacy in the real world with real people.
I’ll be teaching a series of classes this year. If you’re interested in learning more, drop me an email and put “New Classes” in the subject line. As always, I appreciate your comments and questions below.
Men have turned to pornography in record numbers because women have gone bat-shit crazy. The worst are the young collage educated women. They went to collage at their parents expense and come out four years later hating the system that sent them there in the first place. They have been told they are victims of the,”Patriarchy”. This Patriarchy has produced the wealthiest, freest, most intellectual, most artistic and most productive civilization in world history. Unlike other civilizations our western civilization self corrects. Where injustices occur corrections are made. It may take a long time but the wrongs get righted. These young women are taking out the grievances of older generations of women on the todays young men with predictable results.
There are a lot of reasons men use pornography and also a lot of reasons why women use pornography. Male pornography is what we generally see on the internet and now with more recent cyber-porn. There’s a type of pornography that is more common with women. It’s called romance novels. Most men have never read one, but its a billion dollar industry that taps into women’s desire for strong, dominant, but also gentle, caring, and sexually desirous males. We all love fantasy, but today fantasy is what too many do because the reality of sex and love has become confusing and challenging. The solutions aren’t simple, but I’ve spent the last 50 years helping men and women find real, lasting love.