We all keep secrets. It’s part of what makes us human. But there are a number of sexual secrets men keep that they may not even be aware they are keeping. Both men and women can benefit from knowing about, and understanding, these secrets. One of the benefits of being a man for 75 years, and a therapist who specializes in working with men for the last 50 years, is that I hear a lot of things that men don’t tell anyone else. I also learn a lot and share what I learn in my books such as Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places and articles, “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex.”
Some of the secrets I’ll share may seem obvious on the surface, but there are hidden mysteries that are only revealed when you go deeper. Let’s start with the secret I shared in the article I mention. It seems to have touched a chord in men and women since more than 2 million have read the article thus far.
- There is One Thing That Men Want More Than Sex.
Sure, men want sex and there’s a myth that “all men want is sex.” But in order to truly enjoy sex, men need to feel safe. We’re never more vulnerable than when we’re doing it. Picture our ancestral couple 2 million years ago on the savannas of Africa, surrounded by danger. Getting caught with your pants down meant you might end up being eaten by the panther that has been stalking the camp.
We no longer worry about wild animals taking a bite out of our butts when we’re making love, but we still need to feel safe. My mother came to stay with us years ago and commented the next morning, how nice it was “to hear the two of you enjoying yourselves.” I couldn’t get an erection for a month after she left. We all need a safe harbor to enjoy being alive and to truly experience real, lasting, love.
- Male Genes Want Sex More Than Anything
Everyone knows all humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes. We also have roughly 20,500 genes, all coiled up in DNA, housed in each and every one of the trillions of cells that make you who you are. It was once thought that our genes control our destiny, but we now know that what genes do is modified by the environment, including our thoughts and feelings.
Yet, all of us are descended from ancestors who found a sexual partner, had sex, made a baby, and the baby survived to have its own babies. In his book, The Selfish Gene, evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins, gives us a genes eye view of the world and suggests, in the area of sex, that the genes drive us to have sex, even at the expense of our own happiness and health. Our genetic heritage isn’t mean to make us happy, but to get themselves passed on to the next generation and “doing what is natural” may not be the best plan.
- Sperm Are From Men, Eggs Are From Women
Biologists have a very simple and useful definition of what is male and what is female, whether we are fish, ferns, or human beings. An individual can either make many small gametes (sex cells) or fewer but larger gametes. The individuals that produce smaller gametes are called “males” and the ones that produce larger gametes are called “females.” In humans, for example, the female egg is microscopic, yet, it is large enough to house 250,000 sperm.
Men produce 100-300 million sperm per ejaculate while females produce around 400 eggs in a life-time. Sperm are expendable. Eggs are valuable. Sperm compete for access to the valuable egg and only one is chosen. Males compete for access to females and females choose the most attractive suitor. Males are less selective of who they’ll have sex with. The consequences of pregnancy are more serious for females so they are inherently more selective.
Jungian therapist Eugene Monick concludes that these biological realities of sperm competition can tell us a lot about male insecurity and fear of failure. “Natural wisdom tells a male that catastrophic consequence is always present, actually or potentially, as in the fate of his sperm…What the sperm experiences in its life struggle toward the ovum is the ground or archetypal pattern for a man’s daily struggle for virility.”
- Males Are Dependent on Females and Are Conflicted About Our Dependency
Here’s a thought experiment. Imagine 100 women who were told they would each receive a million dollars if they could convince a man to have sex with them in the next two hours (you can’t promise to give him some of the money), how many would be successful? Same offer to 100 men to find a woman who would have sex with him. I’m guessing you would agree that more women would be able to find a sexual partner than the men.
The result is that men hunger for women and are dependent on them in a way that women are not so dependent on men. Sam Keen, author of Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man, says men rarely acknowledge this primal power that women wield. We’re dependent on women, but are often angry at them for feeling dependent on them.
- Men are Mammals and Most Mammals Are Not Monogamous
Of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals, only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong pair bonds. This select group includes beavers, otters, wolves, some bats and foxes and a few hoofed animals. And even among these reportedly monogamous animals, genetic testing shows that not all remain true-blue to their partner.
In general, men are more likely than women to cheat: 20% of men and 13% of women reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married, according to data from the recent General Social Survey(GSS). The generalizations are a bit misleading. In the 18-29 age group, 11% of women cheat and 10% of men do. In the 70 to 79 year age-group, 26% of men cheat and 13% of women cheat. This reflects the biological reality that older men can reproduce, while older women cannot. Menopause and andropause bring about different realities for females than for males. Like all these secrets, knowing them helps us to talk about the realities of sex, love, and fidelity.
- Alpha Males Have More Sex, But Few of Us Become Alphas
In many species, one male procreates with multiple females and protects his harem from other male competitors. The scientific name is polygyny and we see it in gorillas, stallions, elephant seals, elk, and other species. Even in humans today we see that men with wealth and power have more sexual partners than those who have less. Monogamy may be the ideal, but there are many men who get more than their share and many who get nothing.
In the world of gorillas, stallions, seals, and elks, alpha males will have lots of sexual partners, and hence more offspring, and many males will have little or none. As social scientist Roy F. Baumeister says in his fascinating book, Is There Anything Good About Men?, “In general, the fate of most males is to live in nearly total celibacy and to be a biological dead end.”
All males feel this insecurity and fear about becoming a “biological dead end,” even those of us who have had lots of sex and many partners. Even alpha males worry that they’ll get old and replaced by a younger stud. Like all secrets, this is one, few men want to acknowledge.
I look forward to your feedback and thoughts below.
My late husband once told me (as I remember it) that he learned in his Men’s Group discussions, that male humans are biologically programmed to live shorter lives than women: Paraphrased that men are more biologically expendable, their protective function focused on protecting women’s baby-caring role for only a limited period of time–not so needed thereafter.
Framed this way, might maleness not be a bit diminished in the eyes of nature?
Caroline,
I believe that’s true. Throughout human history males have had to compete for access to desirable females. Although monogamy is more widely practiced in recent times, in the past (like many male mammals) some human males got more females interested and some males didn’t reproduce at all. Most females had at least one child and although childbirth has always been dangerous, most of our ancestors are female. The fear of ending up as genetic losers, i.e. not having any children, has favored males who take great risks in order to succeed. That is part of the reason we see more men in positions of power and also more men who commit suicide, are more violent, drop out of school at higher rates than females, and end up in prison. I’m writing a new book about these issues, 14 Rules For Becoming Your Own Man: How to Be Wildly Successful at the Game of Life.