I recently got together with the guys in my men’s group. We’ve been meeting regularly for more than 35 years and have shared deeply with each other about our marriages, our births, our divorces, our triumphs and failure, and our journeys in search of a meaningful life. Love has been an important topic for discussion—the love we have for each other and the love we feel towards our mates, our children, our friends, our community, our country, and the earth we all share.
Since I’m a writer I often share books of interest. Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study by George E. Vaillant offers a rare, in-depth look into the lives of 268 men and their families who were studied from their sophomore year at Harvard University beginning in 1938 and continuing to the present. Martin Seligman, Ph.D., author of Authentic Happiness says, “This is arguably, the most important study of the life course ever done. But it is, inarguably, the one most brimming with wisdom. If you are preparing for the last quarter of your life, this is a MUST read.” I haven’t finished this wonderful book, but here are a few impressions thus far:
- There are multiple elements that make up a successful life as we age.
For a study like this, there needs to be some clear and measurable elements that can be used rate people on the degree to which they led a successful life. Vaillant chose the following, which he called his “Decathlon of Flourishing from Age 60 to 80+”:
- Included in Who’s Who in America.
- Earned income in the Study’s top 25%.
- Low in psychological distress.
- Success and enjoyment in work, love, and play since age 65.
- Good subjective health at age 75 (physically active).
- Good subjective and objective physical and mental health at age 80.
- Mastery of Eriksonian task of Generativity (empathic nurturing of others beyond family).
- Availability of social supports other than wife and kids between ages 60 and 75.
- In a good marriage between age 60 and 85.
- Close to kids between 60 and 75.
- You can have a successful life and fall short in a number of areas.
“For every Decathlon event in which a man was in the top quartile of the Study sample,” says Vaillant, “he received a point. If he had died before the assessment could be made, he received a zero in the event.” So, staying alive helps achieve a higher success score. Total scores ranged from 0 to 10. The findings can give us all hope that we can be successful without having to be a success in every one of life’s events.
- A third of the men scored 2 or 3. They were considered average on the flourishing scale.
- A third of the men scored fewer than 2 points. They were considered to be living less desirable lives.
- A third of the men scored 4 or more. They were considered to be the most successful.
When I think of myself, and the other men in my men’s group, we may not make it into Who’s Who in America or rank at the top of the income scale, but we’ve mastered a lot of our physical and emotional problems and are pretty successful in our relationship lives.
- Some problems take a life-time to manifest.
“Alcoholism is a disorder of great destructive power,” says Vaillant. Like many problems including overeating, alcoholism can sneak up on a person. For some, alcohol abuse is obvious early. For others, it takes a longer time before we work through our denial and accept that we may have a problem.
Some people stay in denial until they die. Vaillant found that the main cause of divorce between the Grant Study men and their wives was alcohol abuse. It was also strongly correlated with depression, which tended to follow the alcohol abuse rather than preceding it. Drinking is also associated with smoking and together were the greatest contributors to early death.
- Health and well-being have more to do with nurture than nature.
When the study began there were a lot of assumptions about what traits would lead to success later in life. Many believed that a “masculine” body type (narrow hips, broad shoulders) as opposed to more skinny or plump types, for instance, would give a man the natural tools he would need for success. One of the values of a long-term, “longitudinal study,” which follows people through their lives, allows us to test our assumptions.
It turned out that body type had no relationship to health and well-being in men as they aged. Here are a number of suspected variables that were thought to predict a high Decathlon scores that showed no significant correlation:
- The longevity of our ancestors.
- Having alcoholic or depressed relatives (A good finding for me since I have a lot of depression and bipolar disorder in my family line).
- Being a member of the upper class.
- Mother and/or father achieving high levels of education.
- Having nurturing and loving relationships were the keys to a successful life.
There are two pillars of happiness Vaillant found. “One is love,” he writes. “The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.” These findings may not be surprising in today’s world, but it’s good to have 75 years of science to validate the things that are truly important in life. Vaillant has said that the study’s most important finding is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships.
A man could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn’t be happy. “Happiness is only the cart, love is the horse,” Vaillant concludes. Sometimes we think we have to choose between being successful in love and being successful in the business of making money. It turns out that having a successful love life is the best predictor of being financially successful and having greater emotional health and joy as we age.
- Men who had “warm” childhood relationships with their mothers earned an average of $87,000 more a year than men whose mothers were uncaring.
- Men who had poor childhood relationships with their mothers were much more likely to develop dementia when old.
- The men’s boyhood relationships with their mothers—but not with their fathers—were associated with effectiveness at work.
- On the other hand, warm childhood relations with fathers correlated with lower rates of adult anxiety, greater enjoyment of vacations, and increased “life satisfaction” at age 75—whereas the warmth of childhood relationships with mothers had no significant bearing on life satisfaction at 75.
It would be nice if we could choose our family of origin. We’re lucky if we received good nurturing and support from a loving mother and father, along with loving and supportive family and friends. But most of us never had the best loving relationships and long to feel the nourishment of being fully and unconditionally loved. Another encouraging finding of the study is that it’s never too late to find love. But many of us, afraid to be hurt again, push love away.
I still remember the refrain of the Eagles song, Desperado. “You better let somebody love you, you better let somebody love you, you better let somebody love you…before it’s too late.” Love is always close by. We just have to let it in.
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It is an interesting research, some of the findings seem to be surprising … Assumptions are not always right ! I enjoyed the reading, Thanks for sharing.
Hallo Jed,
A very interesting article indeed. It surprised me that so much is dependant on the relation with the mother. When I got worried about my ex partner’s outbursts of rage or complete denial of my presence or what I say, I always thought it was somewhere a trauma because of the absence of his father. Now, after reading your article, I kind of think it was because of the suffocating relation he had with his mother : only child and no father present, so he had to be ‘the man around’ from early age.