“I was five years old when my uncle drove me to the mental hospital.”
“Why do we have to go?” I asked.
“Because your father needs you,” he said.
“What’s the matter with him,” I wanted to know.
Silence. In our family we didn’t talk about these things.
This is the beginning of my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. If you’d like to read the first chapter, “Mad Father, Dutiful Son” before the book comes out in June, drop me a note to and put “father wound” in the subject line.
One of the consequences of growing up in a family where a father was distant, absent, rejecting, or dysfunctional, is that we live with a great deal of pain and anger. I remember having attacks of rage as a child when I felt frustrated. More than once I choked my dog, Spotty, my one real companion growing up. Fortunately, I stopped before I caused real damage, but I still feel guilty and ashamed remembering my attacks on the only one who loved me unconditionally, even when I was mean to him. It never occurred to me that my rage had anything to do with the father who had left when I was young.
As an adult I would scream at my wife when she’d do something to upset me. She grew increasingly afraid of my angry outbursts that seemed to come out of nowhere. I always felt justified in my anger. Who wouldn’t get angry when you are forced to put up with that crap, I would think to myself. I would often alternate between blowing up at others and getting down on myself. Over the years I became increasingly depressed. Again, it never occurred to me that my anger, depression, and relationship problems had anything to do with my father wound.
Even when I felt justified in my anger, I knew deep down inside that there was more to my anger than the trivial event that would set me off. It took me years to realize that the real cause of my anger wasn’t my wife, but my life. Since then I’ve been on a quest to understand the real causes of my anger, and the anger so many men and women feel these days.
I still remember the 1976 film, Network, written by Paddy Chayefsky and starring Faye Dunaway, William Holden, and Peter Finch. There’s a classic scene in which a T.V. anchor, played by Finch, has become slightly deranged, and tells the truth about what is really going on in the world. He speaks what many of us feel, “I’m As Mad As Hell and I’m Not Going to Take This Anymore.”
On Saturday, March 24, 2018, March for Our Lives rallies occurred all over the world. The rallies included hundreds of thousands of protesters and speeches from activists and survivors of shootings, including survivors of the Parkland, Fla. shooting Emma González and David Hoag. I was moved to tears listening to these young people and feeling their passionate resolve to end gun violence. Here are the most powerful speeches from the march in Washington.
I loved that they didn’t allow any adults to speak. Something is changing when our children are the ones that are leading their parents and grandparents to step up. Our children know what want, simple safety. They want to feel that their schools are safe, their streets are safe, their homes are safe, and their lives are safe. They’re mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore.
What are you mad as hell about? What are the issues you feel passionate about that if they were addressed could truly make a difference in the world? Here are mine
- Healing our father wounds. We now know that growing up in a home where the father was absent physically or emotionally can cause us to be angry and depressed as adults, to undermine our sense of power and purpose in life, and to sabotage our love lives.
- Challenge the economic market system. The market system has enabled humans to prosper in ways we never imagined. Even the poorest of us live better than many rich people in the past. But when most all our decisions are based on “will it make money,” we forget to focus on the things that money can’t buy—integrity, compassion, security, tolerance.
- Learn the 5 stages of love. There’s nothing more important to our survival than learning to love. When our families fall apart, children don’t get the love and support they need from both parents. In my article “The 5 Stages of Love and Why Too Many Stop at Stage 3,” I offer a new understand for achieving real, lasting love.
- Understand why men feel the way they feel and do the things they do. Freud thought women are a mystery, but today I think we know too little about men. I’ve been called the Men’s Maven (maven–a trusted expert in a particular field, who seeks to pass timely and relevant knowledge). We need more men’s mavens.
- Transform our understanding of mental illness. My father was committed to a mental hospital after he became depressed and angry because he couldn’t support his family. We spend billions on psychiatric drugs and tell more and more people they are “mentally ill” and there is a drug to treat it.
A different understanding of mental illness is that it is a response to insane social conditions that dehumanize us. Those identified as being mentally ill, may well be the canaries in the coal mine alerting us to the social conditions that are our of balance with our human needs.
Another interpretation of my father’s “mental illness” was that he was desperately trying to meet the dictates of the Man Box. The way he broke out may have looked crazy to others, but may have been the most sane and healthful action of his life.
I look forward to your thoughts and comments.
I have great respect for your abilities, have a couple of your books and find that they are well worth the read, and have been a subscriber to your Sunday reports. I find that your constant repetition of the details of your own father wound seem to me to be something like a cross your are bearing and cannot let go of, and I wish you would. I can’t see the point of hearing in detail the sad tale anymore. Perhaps because I was able to let go of my father needs, which were minor compared to yours, contributed to my initial study of psychology and taught me that the past can be overcome.
David, Thanks for the comments. Since I’ve been writing my memoir, these memories keep coming up for me. Writing about them is part of how I continue my own healing. I do need to remember that there are people like you who read a lot of my posts (not everyone on my mailing list does) and may be getting tired of the same remembrances or wondering if I’m being weighed down by the memories.
Perhaps David is seeking to fill a void that is not being addressed. I would find it interesting to obtain the stats on the precedence of households where both parents are present. I’m afraid to assume that it has been on the decline over the decades and in that, impacts more and more men today in ways they are not overtly aware of.
Hi Jed – All of your writing about the father wound is so true. I am concerned about the effects of the father wound in my son. He is 20 and away at college. My ex-husband and I had been married for 25 years, but my husband started to show all of the signs of male depression. He would not acknowledge it and we divorced. He also was distant with our son. He was always very critical of our son (much more so than with our daughters) and it seemed that it was more of a duty to him to spend time and do things with our son. I think he was emotionally distant from our son. His own father was emotionally distant. He worked all the time and when he got home, he would eat his dinner in front of the TV. I want to find some way to talk to our son about his feelings about his father. Now that he is in college, he does not visit his father when he comes home and rarely contacts him. I think that he feels that he only hears criticism from his father. I am interested in your writing about the father wound and any advice about how to discuss this with my son would be welcome! I don’t want my son to bring this baggage to any future relationships
I am fortunate to have a wonderful dad who was involved in me and my brother’s upbringing. He was always there for us. I cannot say how important it is to have a loving father.
Thank you for reading this.
Deb Allen
Masachusetts
Deb, Its good to encourage talking about these wounds. It sounds like your ex-husband carried them in silence. It’s not easy talking and males tend to have more difficulty that females. But take your time and let your son know how you feel about his Dad’s distance, that he’s not to blame, and you are open to talking with him. He may want to talk or not yet. He may want to talk with you or feel more comfortable with someone else. People can also write about their experiences without talking and that often is a help.
Happy to share with you or anyone else who would like to read a sample chapter. There is also a workbook for people who would like my guidance on their own healing journey, where a person can write their thoughts and feelings.