We can reprogram our unconscious mind to guide us away from fear towards the love that we all desire.
The bad news is that our unconscious mind is powerful and easily sabotages us when we reach out to love. It often keeps us from finding a partner (that’s why dating sites have become so popular) or keeping our love alive and well once we’ve found a partner (that’s why divorce continues to plague us and even couples who stay together are not getting the best of what love can offer). The good news is that there are effective, new ways that can reprogram our unconscious minds to move them from injecting us with fear to bathing us in love.
Here’s what we can do.
First, before we can reprogram the unconscious mind, we have to get clear about what our conscious mind wants and needs. Take a deep breath and relax. Put your hand over your heart and imagine that you can breathe in love with every breath and breathe out love. Love comes in and loves goes out. Continue doing that for about 10 breaths in and out. Now, imagine a time when you felt unconditional love. It could be when your first child was born, when you woke up and saw a beautiful sunrise after being sick for a long time, or when you fell in love with that special someone. It doesn’t matter what the memory is, but feel your heart, mind, and soul being filled with a memory of love.
Second, in this state of love, think about the qualities you want in a partner. Be expansive. Be generous. Ask for what you really want. If you’re not in relationship, think about what you’d like if you met the ideal person. If you’re already in a relationship, ask for what you’d like if the two of you were absolutely in love and you felt secure, connected, appreciated, and cherished. Be as detailed as you can and write them down.
When Carlin and I met and fell in love, we both realized that we each had made a detailed list of what we are looking for in a mate. Bruce Lipton reminds us that “details left out of your description, by default, will be determined by the subconscious mind, which if left to its own devices will list what your parents or your community believes would be a good relationship.” Our subconscious mind may also lead us to someone because we are rebelling against what our parents or our community tells us is right for us.
Third, it’s difficult to become aware of the programming that is unconscious. But a good place to begin to uncover these beliefs is to take a detailed look at our parent’s relationship. Think back about what you know about your parent’s love life, particularly when you were 8 years old and younger. Were they close emotionally or distant? Did they trust each other? Was there a lot of physical contact or very little? Look over your list of what you want in an ideal relationship and write down as honestly as you can the details of what your parent’s relationship was really like.
Forth, regardless of what your conscious mind wants in a relationship, your unconscious mind will be drawn to the kind of relationship your parents had. There are two reasons for this. First, we are deeply drawn to what is familiar. Our unconscious resonates to the statement, “Be it ever so crappy, there’s no place like home.” The second reason is that our unconscious wants to heal our love life, so it keeps creating the same dysfunctional patterns we grew up with so that we can fix them. But since we’re not aware of the programming, we just keep creating the same kind of dysfunction we grew up with and repeat it over and over again.
So, think about the unconscious beliefs you internalized from your parents. Write them down. Here are some common ones that I’ve heard from many of my clients:
- Marriage is a trap. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.
- Deep down I don’t feel I deserve love. I’m not really loveable.
- Men always (fill in the blank), want sex, will let you down, will leave for someone younger, etc.
- Women always (fill in the blank), withhold sex, criticize you, make demands you can’t meet, etc.
- You’ve got to take care of #1. After the thrill wears off, he/she can’t really be counted on.
Fifth, reprogram your unconscious through hypnosis and habit.
Just as our unconscious mind was programmed early in our life, we can reprogram it at any time. Not only are our minds programmable, but we can actually change the way our genes express themselves and so can make changes at the deepest level of our being. “While the conscious mind is creative and can use that creativity to learn,” says Lipton, “the subconscious mind primarily learns through either hypnosis or the creation of habits.”
One of the simplest ways to use hypnosis to reprogram our mind is when we’re drifting off to sleep and when we’re just waking up. This time between the world of awake and sleep allows us to use conscious thought to reprogram the unconscious. Here’s an exercise I learned from my wife, Carlin. Each night and/or when you’re just waking up, imagine that you’re on a bridge, with a stream running beneath. You feel relaxed and safe on the bridge. Feel a breeze on your cheeks, see the water running below, hear the sounds of birds.
Imagine that you could toss into the stream one of your old beliefs about love and marriage. Take the words or imagine an image and gently toss it off the bridge. Say goodbye to “I don’t deserve love” or “marriage is a trap.” Watch the stream gently carry them away.
Then look up stream and imagine one of the thoughts about your ideal relationship coming towards you, maybe in a little boat. When it gets close, imagine that it floats up and enters your heart. Let your ideal fill you up. Welcome “I am loved fully and unconditionally” or “I have a partner I can trust” or “Passion can last forever.”
Keep practicing letting go of the old programming and bringing in what you want. Do it before going to bed or just as you’re waking up, or do it at both times. You’ll be amazed at the changes you’ll see.
Another technique I use that takes advantage of “learning through habit” is also easy and deceptively simple, but powerful, if you do it. Every time you go through a door way (for most of us there are many doorways in our houses, cars, offices, etc.) repeat in your mind one of the things you want in your ideal relationship. As you go through your bedroom door take a moment to say to yourself, “I want a partner who loves me” or “I want to be hugged more often.”
One of the wonderful mysteries of life is that we tend to get more of whatever we focus our attention on. Too often, we are focused on what we don’t want or what we’re afraid we might get.I think of this practice as developing new grooves in our brain, new pathways of love and acceptance. As we create new pathways of love the old fear pathways start to atrophy because we’re not using them.
Carlin and I have been together more than 33 years. In our previous marriages, we learned well what didn’t work. We’re now learning what works. It takes patience, practice, perseverance, good humor, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But the rewards are worth the effort. It gives us great joy to share these secrets with you. Let us know how they work for you.
