Dear Dr. Jed,
I’m worried about my husband. He’s angry all the time and blames me for everything that is wrong. He calls me names, yells at me, looks at me with such hatred, I want to disappear. He’s never hit me, but I’m afraid of him. He totally denies that there are any problems with him. When he gets mad he calls me a bitch and a lot worse and tells me I’m crazy and should be hospitalized.
His beliefs get reinforced by his family who also denies that there is anything wrong with him, though they’ve seen how angry and abusive he can be. They tell me that he wasn’t depressed before he married me so it must be me that is the problem.
I love my husband with all my heart and I want to get him the help he needs. I know that he must be suffering. If he would just acknowledge the problem I’m sure we could work things out. Can you help me get through to him? SL.
I get calls and e-mails regularly from women who are concerned about the man in their lives. They don’t understand his anger and rage and often feel blamed, demeaned, and abused. They often tell me that he’s been verbally or physically abusive. Most go on to tell me that they love their husband and want to do everything they can to help him so that they can return to the kind of good relationship they remember having before his anger became a constant plague in their relationship.
They often recognize that the anger and rage may be covering over other feelings (which I discuss for fully here). They also may recognize that his outbursts may be symptoms of depression and or manic depression (bipolar disorder).
I shudder when I get these kinds of letters. I have no quarrel with their desire to help their man and to rescue their relationship, but I do have concerns about their priorities and the focus of their attention. Too many of these people remain in abusive, sometimes violent relationships, focusing their attention on helping him before thinking about helping themselves. I imagine myself reaching through the airwaves and shaking them. “Don’t you know that you can’t help him or help the relationship until you first help yourself?” I want to tell them.
Irritable Males Can Become Addicted to Rage
When we talk about addiction, most people think about drugs like heroin or cocaine. Addicts are seen as people who have little self-respect and can’t control their behavior. But having worked with addictions for more than 40 years, I have a broader view. I believe that people can become addicted to anything that can bring feelings of well-being, however short-lived, or can provide relief from pain, no matter how temporary.
With this understanding we can see how people can become addicted to gambling, pornography, the internet, other people, or strong emotions. All of these behaviors can give people feelings of pleasure or well-being or can provide relief from pain or unhappiness.
Let’s first take a look at how men can become hooked on rage. Most people confuse rage with anger. John Lee, author of The Anger Solution, says “Rage is as different from anger as night is from day, as applies are from orangutans. Anger is a feeling and emotion. Rage has the ability to cover other feelings, but it is not a feeling or emotion in itself. Rage is like a huge dose of morphine. It is a drug that is legal, plentiful, readily available, and can be addictive.”
The reason that rage can become addictive is that it doesn’t satisfy a real need. Anger, on the other hand, is an emotion that expresses our need to defend ourselves against the loss of something we value. Rage is a cover for past losses and so can continue to escalate without end. Have you noticed that the more a man expresses rage, the more rageful he becomes?
Lee offers a number of helpful contrasts between anger and rage:
- Anger clears the air, while rage clouds communication.
- Anger rights injustices and wrongs. Rage is an injustice and wrongs people further.
- Anger concerns the present. Rage concerns the past.
- Anger is about “me,” about how I’m feeling. Rage is about “you,” my judgment of your perceived inadequacies.
Men who get hooked on rage are looking for love, but don’t know how to find it. They hunger for someone to love and comfort them, but they settle for trying to control those they have become dependent upon. They feel powerless and small and their rage gives them a temporary feeling of strength and superiority.
The People Who Love IMS Men Become Addicted to Them
In his book Love and Addiction, Stanton Peele described the connection between “love” and “addiction” this way: “May of us are addicts, but we don’t know it. We turn to each other out of the same needs that drive some people to drink and others to heroin. Interpersonal addiction—love addiction—is just about the most common, yet least recognized, form of addiction we know.”
Many women are taught from childhood to put other people’s needs above their own. They are raised to be care-givers. As children they often take care of their parents, siblings, or friends. They often grow up with many unmet needs, choosing mates who seem secure and caring on the surface, but are actually quite wounded. These wounded men often suffer from Irritable Male Syndrome as adults. And these wounded women are often the ones who fall in love with them.
In my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, I describe the experiences that many people have with relationships. “Many of us are unhappy with our romantic relationships, but don’t know what to do about it. There are times we swear ‘never again.’ Getting close is just too painful. But there is only so much energy we can devote to our jobs, our friends, our hobbies. Sooner or later we return to the search for love. When we finally find that special someone, we cling to them like orphaned children. Even when the relationship goes bad, we hold on for dear life. We can’t seem to let go, even when the relationship is harming us. We ride a roller coaster of hope and despair.” Does this sound familiar at all to you?
If it does, it’s time you got your priorities in order. First, you have to take care of yourself. Second, you have to be sure you are safe. That may mean leaving the relationship temporarily or it may mean getting help from professionals who can be sure you are not being abused physically or emotionally. Third, it means recognizing that you can’t help the man in your life until you help yourself. The best thing you can do for him is to start taking care of you.
Please share your comments below.
My issue has been how supportive my wife is about my life choices. When everything is good, she talks the good talk… I’m free to do what I think is best. Of course, when things are good, our “way of life” isn’t being threatened.
The past few weeks I’ve been suffering under a new manager. He promised not to micromanage. No, he’s taken micro- down to pico- level. He assigns tasks at the last minute, and gives crazy deadlines. For example, this weekend we have to finish a task by Monday… and the equipment isn’t due to be installed until this coming weekend. Two days to do a task, when there is a whole week for it to be done.
He was a former co-worker. I’ve seen his star rise, as mine has just burned out. It is very frustrating. After 8 years of working for this employer, finishing my degree in Computer Information Systems, I’ve seen nothing come of it. This is a place rank with favoritism and “who you know”… and if you are a native.
It is time for me to move on. But now, does my wife support me? No, of course not. I should “stick it out”. I should go to HR, the people who are ultimately responsible for the environment here. It is okay for me to die a slow, painful death inside while I maintain a “get-by” salary, and she fails to even maintain a house. No, she doesn’t work. She is once again in school.
Bitter, yes… Raging? Yes, but… I’m angry and unable to alter my situation. It’s like there is a knife plunged into my belly, and I just have to stand there while ‘they’ twist it.
I just want out of this…
Ben, I can feel the stress you are under and how much you want and need support from your wife. It sounds like she must be scared of your leaving and undoubtedly does not quite understand the impact that working there is having on your health and well being. Thanks for being willing to share your feelings with us here. I know there are many men in your situation and look forward to hearing more about how you are able to work through this difficult time.
Sounds like my life…how do you suggest I take care of myself? There is no physical violence, only verbal and infidelity…which of course is blamed on me also.
Every person is a bit different in how best to take care of yourself. If there’s no physical violence, then you need to learn to be clear about what verbal abuse there is and if infidelity is not right for you, then you need to learn to stand up for what IS right for you, set boundaries, and have the strength to back them up. If you need additional support, you may want to consider working with a good counselor.
My male partner is very angry and constantly berating me, so much so that even in my dreams I hear him telling me I’m not good enough. Other times he is very loving and I love very much him or else I wouldn’t stay. But recently it is getting me beyond down.
He is regularly violent to me. Of course the violence comes in a scale, and some of it is mild and some of it is serious. Right now it is moderate but very frequent. It mainly consists of pushing, shoving, pulling hair, choking, spitting, coming right into my face to yell at me, slapping round the ear (gave me tinnitus the other day), grabbing and twisting my arms, punching my stomach and winding me. He never wants sex with me anymore bus sometimes he pulls my jeans and underwear down and throws me down and pins me there, then he gets up and walks away like I disgust him.
Many people reading this will think I am pathetic and deserve all I get because I “put up with it”. I don’t put up with it by the way. I shout back when he shouts. I am not violent but I speak up for myself and I won’t let myself be cowed or silenced. At the same time I do believe in listening. Sometimes I am very good at deescalating a potentially scary situation, but not so much recently, because I am so tired and down about it all and recently I cry very easily.
I think what many people don’t know is how much strength it takes to love and stay with a man like this. “Stand by your man” is not some pathetic little wifey thing. It is hard and tough and takes guts and nerves of steel. And there is a pay-off. My man can be tender and kind, he is funny and I like his sense of humor. I have been with him for over a decade. For a long time he was getting better. I thought that I could take some credit for that because I know he had a traumatic childhood and has a hard time trusting people. I thought he had worked out that I was not going to abandon him and so he had learned to relax. But when he started to get violent again I have been threatening to leave because I have been seriously considering it. I have told him truthfully that I want to stay but I cannot continue to live this way, in fear. He tells me he will kill me. Then when he calms down he says of course he doesn’t mean that. I have tried to explain that for me the trouble is I believe him when he says mean stuff because he sure sounds like he means it at the time.
It is hard to explain. Sometimes I am not afraid at all. I have been handling this for so long. No-one sees it, but I am so strong inside. I bear things that should be unbearable. But I do not want to be hurt anymore. How can I help my man to stop his angry outbursts?
I should have added that when I say I am going to leave, there is not really anywhere I can go. I don’t have parents and although I work I have debts and it is hardly possible to scrape by as a single person where I live. So I guess he knows I won’t really leave and I think he despises me for it. But also I think he is a little bit afraid that I might want to leave and he despises me for that too. This is what is really getting me down.
I thought if I paid of all my debts and just was generally “better” then he would be better too, but there is always some other thing. There will be some new thing wrong with me. It occurred to me that maybe he hates himself so much he thinks any woman of his must be the kind of woman that isn’t worth very much. But I don’t know. He never talks about how he feels except how he feels about my faults. He will talk about problems at work or things he hates about the world, but it is rare for him to talk about his life as if there were choices he could make or things he could do differently. Maybe he is depressed or feeling hopeless? He told me he would kill himself if I told anyone about what has been happening between us. I don’t want that. I am scared of him hurting himself even more than of him hurting me.
The other day, he got right in my face, snarling. He ground his forehead into mine. His eyes were full of hate and then so close I couldn’t even see them. His hand were tight around my upper arms. I didn’t even flinch. Later on he’d moved away but he came back at me, fast, like almost jumping on me. Again I didn’t move or flinch. I felt like I was in a trance. TA chest of drawers was just behind my head. I felt how vulnerable the back of my skull was and I knew there was a sharp corner just behind me. All my senses were on fire and I felt like my skull was paper thin. I could see the hard objects through it and the danger they presented. And I stayed so still.
This is wrong but I felt proud of how still I stayed. I felt like Ghandi or some kind of zen warrior. Stupid pride. If my head was crushed I would feel very foolish. So this situation is making me sick too. I am sorry for my pride and proud of how I carry my sorrow, How do I sort out my own stupid head? I don’t know how to be “normal” again after this.
Grace,
I know how frightening it can be to stay and also how frightening it can be to leave. You did well to stay still so you wouldn’t draw his anger more. But you also recognize that if the abuse doesn’t get fixed, it will escalate until violence becomes more severe. I encourage you to get help from a skilled therapist who deals with male anger and abuse. I also encourage you to keep yourself safe. If that means leaving, even if you don’t have a lot of money, I encourage you to do what you need to do to be safe.
Its not in your interest or in his for his anger to escalate.
Keep reaching out to people who can help.