7 Tips For Becoming a Better Father 

Regardless of the kind of fathering we had growing up, all of us would like to be really good fathers to our children.  I didn’t have great fathering growing up.  My Dad tried to commit suicide when I was 5 years old.  I was raised by my mother and had a stepfather who I loved, but who came and went and finally left when I was in junior high.

I married young and had two children.  After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I split up.  Fortunately I met a great woman and remarried.  She had three children and we raised our two youngest kids together.  I’ll be 70 this year and our children range in age from 37 to 55 and we have 14 grandchildren.  If I’ve learned to be a good father over the years, I’ve learned from my wife and from our children.  Here are the things we’ve found to be helpful around how to be a better father.

1.  Heal your own wounds.

Many of us want to be good fathers, try and be good fathers, but end up repeating a lot of the problems we experienced growing up.  It really helps if we can learn to heal our own emotional wounds.  When I started doing that, my success as a father increased immensely.

2.  Become a good man.

It’s hard to be a good father if we’re not being a good man.  That starts with being good to ourselves. We all make lots of mistakes.  None of us are perfect.  But when we screw up its best to acknowledge it, forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes and move on.

3.  Be there for your children throughout their lives.

My father was absent when I was growing up and when we decided to have children I made a vow to be there for them.  That’s not always easy.  I was in the delivery room with my son when he was born.  I held my daughter for the first time when we went to the adoptions agency to see our 2 ½ month old baby.  I met the other three when I met Carlin.  It took me awhile to realize how important a father is to all his children throughout their lives.  They never outgrow the need for a father’s presence.

4.  Take each one on a rite of passage outing.

In most cultures we have rites of passage for important events in our lives.  We’ve lost connection with these important transition times.  I decided to take my kids for a special event when they were 7, 13, and 21.  Some of them had all three.  Most had at least one.  The 21 year event was focused around their career or passion.  They picked the place.  My oldest son wanted to be an actor so I took him to New York.  My youngest son wanted to be a musician and he wanted to go to the New Orleans Jazz festival.  My daughter didn’t know what she wanted to do, but she wanted to meet Oprah.  I figured out how to make that happen and took her to Chicago.

5.  Deal with your stress, frustration, and anger.

Too often, I took my f*cked up feelings out on my kids.  I regret that terribly, but we all do it.  The better I got at dealing with my feelings, the better Dad I became.  It’s worth the work.

6.  Become a 3-Dimensional man.

Talking to our children is never as good as modeling the kind of person who would like them to become. My colleague, David Gruder, says we all want to become 3-dimensional men.  “We want the freedom to be authentic, to be able to experience nourishment and co-creation through respectful collaborative connection to others. We want to feel like we are going our part to help the world become a better place.  We want to make an impact.  This is a life-long process and hopefully our kids will watch us grow.

7.  If we’ve done a good job raising our kids, our grandkids will help teach us more.

I took my grandson on a rite of passage weekend when he was 15 and on the way asked him what he thought a good man was.  Normally his answers to most questions vary between a shoulder shrug and “I don’t know.”  But he totally surprised me when he offered, after careful consideration, these thoughts:

• A good man takes care of himself and his family.
• A good man is a working man and has a job.
• A good man knows what’s right and what is wrong.
• If he’s right, a good man stands up for himself, but doesn’t make the other person wrong.
• A good man apologizes when he’s wrong.
• A good man helps people when they need help.
• A good man always has a back-up plan.

I’m sure there are other things you could add.  I’d enjoy hearing from you. Please share a comment below and join me on Twitter @MenAliveNow

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