I was meeting with my men’s group yesterday when one of the guys got a text message from his sister in San Bernardino telling him of the shootings that had just occurred. My first reaction was visceral. I felt a wave of nausea, followed by feeling enraged. I had no idea at the time who was responsible for the shootings, so my rage was general. I was mad at whoever had done this, at our country that seems so divided and hostile as we move into another election season, and at Homo Sapiens, our whole beautiful and sad species, that seems unable to live peacefully on the planet without doing each other in.
As I write this, it is my understanding that 14 people were killed and 17 more were wounded. “The one thing we do know is that we have a pattern now of mass shootings in this country that has no parallel anywhere else in the world,” President Obama told CBS News.
This attack marks the deadliest gun violence in the country since the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, in December 2012, in which 27 people, including the shooter, Adam Lanza, were killed. Following the Newtown killings I wrote an article “How to Prevent the Next Massacre” where I looked more deeply within to recognize and understand the rage and violence in me.
Once again, I’m aware of two conflicting forces that are competing in me. On the one hand I feel afraid–for my own children and grandchildren, for other innocent victims of violence, for the future of our country, and the future of humankind. On the other hand I feel a great deal of love and compassion—for my own children and grandchildren, for those whose lives have become so disordered and despairing that they respond with violence, and for all the humans in the world who are trying to survive and thrive during a period of massive environmental, economic, and ecological transformations.
I think of this story from my wife’s Cherokee tradition:
ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY
CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS
GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT
GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.
HE SAID “MY SON, THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO ‘WOLVES’ INSIDE US ALL.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,
ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH.”
THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT
IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
HIS GRANDFATHER:
“WHICH WOLF WINS?…”
THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,
“THE ONE THAT YOU FEED”
Once again we have an opportunity to decide which wolf we feed. Do we take in this experience in San Bernardino and respond with more fear, rage, and retribution? Or do we turn our grief into love and respond with kindness, compassion, and faith?
I’m reminded of the way one family responded to the Sandy Hook Killings in 2012. Scarlett Lewis lost her 6-year-old son Jessie, at Sandy Hook. She was able to move beyond anger and despair and turned her grief and loss into positive action. She and her family continue to be a source of inspiration to me.
“The day before my 6-year-old son Jesse Lewis lost his life at Sandy Hook School she says, “he had written a message on our kitchen chalkboard: Nurturing Healing Love. The words ‘nurturing’ and ‘healing’ are a part of the definition of compassion across almost all cultures. ‘Love’ is the foundation on which happy and healthy lives are built.”
“Inspired by Jesse’s words, we formed the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Foundation,” says Lewis. “Our mission is to create awareness in our children and our communities that we can choose love over anger, gratitude over entitlement, and forgiveness and compassion over bitterness. Our goal is to create a more peaceful and loving world through planting these seeds of wisdom.”
In reflecting on the young man who was responsible for the killings, her love and compassion are inspiring. “My hope is that Adam Lanza is experiencing the same kind of love that the children are now, in heaven. He might have had a little bit longer journey to get there, but I hope he has.”
Lewis believes that Lanza lived with years of pent up anger. “I picture him being a little boy with a lot of anger and no tools and no nurturing environment to deal with it,” the mother said. Following the killings Lewis and her family were helped by survivors of the 1994 Rwanda genocide. “It gave me perspective. If they’re able to forgive – if they can actually do it – then it is possible in my own situation. It doesn’t mean you’re condoning what they did. It means that you’re cutting the cord to pain,” Lewis said.
Reeling from this personal tragedy Lewis’ older son, JT, had the opportunity to Skype with orphan genocide survivors in Rwanda who had heard about the shooting and wanted to reach out to him. During the Skype call they told him that they were so sorry about what had happened to his brother and they shared their personal experiences of heartbreak where they watched many of their family members die. They told JT that through gratitude, forgiveness and compassion they have healed and are now leading lives filled with hope and joy. This started JT on his own healing journey and inspired him to give back to the people from around the globe that had reached out to him in love.
Knowing that these now young adults had no hope of going to college, JT set out to raise money to make their dreams come true. Several months after he began fundraising he was able to Skype back to the same group and announce that he had raised enough money to send one of them to college for a year. He has made the personal commitment to send this person to college for the remaining 3 years and hopes to do more. He started the “Newtown Helps Rwanda” foundation to continue support.
We all have an opportunity to respond to the latest tragedy. We can feed the wolf of fear and rage or we can feed the wolf of love and compassion. Scarlett Lewis and her surviving son JT chose love. We can fall into depression, give up, and withdraw, or we can move ahead and expand our commitment to doing good in the world. The choice is ours. What do you feel inspired to do?
In the face of the news of the attack in San Bernardino, American Muslims are becoming victims of fear and hate. Today in a store while shopping I saw a middle aged woman wearring a head scarf and shopping with her head down. She looked so forlorn and alone. I approached her and asked if she was a Muslim. She looked up startled and shyly said yes. I asked her if I cold give her a hug. With tears in her eyes she said yes. As we hugged in the aisle of the store she sobbed quietly and said,”We are not all like them, you know.” I nodded and replied, “Neither are we.”
If each of us is willing to show caring and concern for our fellow citizens…even just one at a time…we can prove to those who would try to terrorize us that we are stronger than their attempts to try and make us hate!
Lisa, thanks for sharing your wonderful experience. I’m convinced that giving more love and reaching out to others who may be different is the best way not only to be safer, but also to be happier.
Jed
There is a mass shooting every weekend in Chicago, Detroit, Memphis, etc… The difference is they are usually drug war type killings and the news media does not do around the clock coverage, their skin color doesn’t bring the ratings. Why doesn’t the president focus on those murders until they stop, I believe he could make a difference, I am at a loss to understand why one mass murder takes the attention over 5 every weekend, 52 weeks each year? Islamic terror is not the same, it is a war of ideologies, complicated, multifaceted long term. Gang violence is Americans killing Americans because of something cultural that lives in America, we act like it doesn’t happen and we focus on everything but, where is the president, he should go to his home every weekend until this stops. I believe if MLK were alive he would never stand for this, he would be in Chicago everyday working with the people until it stopped. Then he would go to Detroit, and Newark and every city where children are killing children; the silence is more of a crime then the murders.
You’re absolutely right about the level of violence that occurs in our own cities and towns and how much is drug and gang related. This hit home to me personally when my grandson got involved with some other kids and was involved in a shooting. Luckily no one was hit, but the consequences continue to haunt me and our family.
It may feel too close to home for politicians to talk about “us” rather than “them.” But until we look deeply at ourselves and our own society we will be forever caught in a cycle of rage, violence, blame, shame, rage, violence. And on and on.
We can do better.
You think after Columbine and the Sandy Hook massacres, the white people would get off their butts and do something about the conditions that causes mass shootings like the bullying situation that occurred at Columbine,or organizations like ALEC, the NRA, and the companies like WalMart trying to weaken or eliminate gun laws and preventing stronger gun laws. In addition, what about the problems with police officers using their guns indiscriminately on anyone with no legal justifciation?
G, As you recognize this isn’t a problem of a few “bad” people. This is a systemic problem, where the whole world is stressed-out and more people are feeling disconnected, discouraged, and have less and less empathy for others and more and more anger at those they feel are the cause of their pain. Whether it is angry police or angry terrorists, we are attacking each other. The cure isn’t more violence, but a re-weaving of the human fabric of love, care, and empathy for those who are different.