I have been a marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years. I have written seventeen books and thousands of articles about love and marriage, but this may be the most important article you will ever read. If you visit my website you will see my welcome video “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” The bad news is that divorce is painful when it happens once, even more so when it happens twice. The good news is that for Carlin and me, the “third time” was the charm. We have now been happily married for 45 years.
The even better news is that this article and podcast will introduce you to John Schinnerer and Joree Rose. Dr. John Schinnerer coaches men to perform at their peak from the boardroom to the bedroom. He was an expert consultant for Pixar’s movie Inside Out. Joree Rose, MA, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, transformation coach, mindfulness and meditation teacher, author, speaker, and she also leads mindfulness retreats around the world.
Together they offer something you won’t find anywhere else—the secrets for having a successful marriage that lasts a lifetime. It is rare for a marriage and family counselor to tell potential clients that there is someone else who can offer something more valuable and helpful than what he has to offer, but that is what I’m doing.
John and Joree offer support to men, women, and couples. It is the kind of help and support I wish was available to me before I struggled with two marriages that led to two divorces. And you don’t have to wait until your marriage is in trouble to benefit from what John and Joree offer.
You can get a good feel about who they are and what they offer by watching the podcast interview I did recently. Here are some additional words of wisdom that they have to share. Here are a few of the most important tools of practice from Joree and John for those who want to have THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP:
- NAME / DON’T BLAME what you’re feeling in the moment. Practice using “I” statements, rather than “You” statements…and practice communicating with curiosity and compassion; it’ll decrease defensiveness and increase connection and understanding. Say: “I feel unimportant when you don’t look up from your phone when I am telling you about my day.” Don’t say: “You are always ignoring me!” *Hint: It’s not an “I” statement to say, “I feel like you’re always ignoring me.” That sounds like naming, when in actuality, it’s blaming.
- ALLOW AND ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER’S EMOTIONS. Once you start limiting, denying, resisting or judging your partner’s emotional expression, disconnection follows. You don’t have to agree with or feel the same as your partner for you to create space for what they are feeling.
- MAKE GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATION A DAILY HABIT. It can be about anything your partner does – tasks or chores, their values, morals or ethics; let them know you value them for it all! Be grateful for even the smallest of things.
- DOING SMALL THINGS OFTEN for your partner is the key to building a strong relationship. Leave a note for them, rub their feet at the end of the day, make dinner reservations, take out the garbage without being asked…even the smallest task can go a long way. Creating a ratio of 5:1, positive to negative, will help you master your relationship.
- BE CURIOUS ABOUT WHO YOUR PARTNER IS IN THE HERE AND NOW. Realize that you’ve both grown since the beginning of your relationship and show interest in learning about those changes. When you first starting dating you’d ask a lot of questions – what they like, dislike, dreams, hopes, expectations…just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you should make assumptions that you know who they are. They (and you!) have likely changed over time. Inquire, without attachment, to how they think, and be open to hearing it, especially if it’s different than how you think.
This is an important point. My wife, Carlin, and I have taken this a step further. We recognize that in a marriage both partners change over time and we need to refresh and update our commitments as things change. Carlin and I get remarried every 15 years. We actually decide if we want to marry this person, as though it was a new relationship. We think hard about who we are and want in a marriage partner. We have now been married three more times since we first got married 45 years ago.
- KNOW YOUR, AND YOUR PARTNER’S, LOVE LANGUAGE. These are the ways in which we know that we, or our partner, are loved. The five love languages are: physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Many partners don’t share the same love language, and we often give what we most want, and it may end up having the opposite effect for our partner.
- COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS ACCURATELY. When asking your partner for something, know the difference between an invitation, request or demand. An invitation allows for a yes/no answer, without judgment. A request is asking your partner for something that is based on your value set. A demand just tells them what to do. The best way to get your needs met is with a request.
- KNOW, AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY NAME, YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you need from them; remember, they can’t read your mind. For example, if you would like them to plan date nights, be explicit about it. If you have the need to talk on a deeper level, don’t feel “too needy” for expressing what will make you feel more seen, heard, validated or connected. And don’t apologize for what you need – own it!
- MAKE REPAIR ATTEMPTS. After you’ve had an argument, conflict, or misunderstanding, you need to make repairs to get unstuck, heal, and reconnect. Stepping towards one another can be done in a variety of ways: soft, compassionate touch (a hug, touch on the arm), offer an apology, be curious how the other is feeling, seek understanding that lead to the transgression, engage in a joint activity, sit next to one another, inquire what your partner needs to feel resolved, etc… Even if you don’t feel like it, and your overwhelming emotions are still activated, make the repair attempt anyways; it’ll help you to move past the issue quicker.
- RESPOND TO BIDS FOR ATTENTION. When your partner seeks your attention, respond by acknowledging them. For example: put down your phone; look up; make eye contact; answer the question; pause on what you are doing; comment on what they are showing you; show interest. When you are busy, you can still acknowledge by saying, “I see that you want to show me _________, and I’ll be happy to take a look in a minute when I finish __________.” When our bids consistently go unacknowledged, the message received is that our partner doesn’t care, and they will likely shut down and stop trying.
John and Joree offer a lot more. You can visit them at their home website:
https://loveisntenough.net/. Tell them Dr. Jed recommended you drop by. You will be glad you did.
If you’d like to come visit me, I hang out at https://menalive.com/. If you like articles like these and want to learn about my latest programs for men, women, and couples, feel free to subscribe to my free newsletter here.
