I’ve found over the years that divorce is rarely the answer. Most people, even those who feel most in despair about their marriage, can find the love that was lost. No one says, “I’m happy and in love. I think I’ll get a divorce.”
Let’s face it, we all want to have a joyful relationship that lasts through time, but many of us despair at having what we so desperately need. Many of us are single and long to be married. Many of us are married but are unhappy and are thinking of leaving. I’ve been counseling men and women for more than 40 years and I have seen more than 10,000 couples. Clearly there are some people who should not be married and need help separating in a way that is least destructive to the couple, as well as any children that are involved.
Over the years I’ve found that most relationships are worth saving. People only consider leaving when they are in despair. They hunger for love, but feel they can’t get it. They are in pain and getting away seems to be the best option. But here are some things worth considering.
- Remember what you wanted when you “tied the knot.”
Think back to the early days of the relationship. Remember how you felt, the hopes and dreams you had. Reflect on the qualities you saw in the other person and the reasons you wanted to make a life together. If you’re like most of us your expectations were unrealistic. You thought there would be a few ups and downs, but you didn’t think it could ever get this bad. But it was good once and it can be good again. “On the rocks” doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. It can also mean the end of old patters that are no longer working and the beginning of something entirely new.
- It only takes one person to change a relationship for the better.
Most of us believe that it takes two people make a relationship work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I still love him and I want things to work, but he wants out so there’s really nothing I can do.” Non-sense! What he’s really saying is “I’m suffering deeply and I don’t know what to do to make things better.” You can make things better for both of you. You just need help finding your way. The same is true when a woman has fallen out of the love and the man thinks there’s nothing he can do.
Or I hear from men who will tell me, “I love her, but I’m not in love with her any more. I have to leave to find the love that I’m missing.” No! Real love doesn’t die. It just gets buried in the debris of our stressful lives. Or it dries out from lack of life-giving nutrients. There’s a reason you’re not feeling the love and you can get the love stream flowing again. You just need help getting the blocks out of the way.
- If you’re under 40 you aren’t old enough to give up on love and if you’re over 40 you’re too wise to give up too soon.
When we’re young, we’re reckless with love. When we fall in love and get married, we assume it will be easy to do it again if this one doesn’t work. We don’t understand that love takes time to deepen and we have to have lots of stressful experiences to teach us the lessons we’re here to learn. We think the lessons of love are gentle. They’re not. They can be brutal sometimes, but we only learn them by staying with that special someone.
When my wife and I were a young married couple, we attended a workshop on marriage enrichment lead by the legendary psychotherapist Carl Rogers who had been married for over 50 years at the time. In the course of the evening, Rogers recalled his long-term marriage. “I still remember those times when things were rough and we were thinking of splitting up,” he said, looking lovingly at his wife. I couldn’t imagine the “great man” having a rough marriage, but he floored me when he went on. “Remember, there were those 8 or 9 years when things were awful.” 8 or 9 years? I couldn’t imagine having six months of awful times and hanging in there. But having been married now for more than thirty-five years I understand that bad times can last a long time, before good times return.
- You’ve already invested a lot and your investment is very valuable.
How much is a good marriage worth? A recent study reported in the prestigious International Journal of Epidemiology calculated that marriage brings the same amount of happiness as $132,400 of annual income. What do you lose when you separate? Separation would take an additional income of $249,700 of income each year. These figures don’t even calculate the actual cost of separation and divorce (moving out, two households, lawyer’s fees, etc.). And if you’re a guy, you’ll be healthier if you stay married. A major decline in health costs an additional $946,000 a year.
Whether you care about your relationship because you know how much a good relationship can contribute to your health, wealth, and joy in life or because you work hard for you money and you don’t want to waste it; you owe it to yourself to find out how you can prevent a marriage meltdown.
- Consider seeing a marriage counselor, not a divorce counselor
I know a lot of marriage and family counselors. Most of them are good. A few are bad. And there are few who are outstanding. But here’s the problem. Many counselors don’t have the years of experience it takes to give people the best chance of success. Those who have many of years of experience often got their training during a time when personal happiness took precedence over the happiness of all those in the family—the husband, the wife, and the children. These counselors may consciously, or unconsciously, recommend that couples go their separate ways before they have looked at all alternatives.
I tell couples who are looking at divorce that there are three possibilities to consider:
- Your relationship is over and it’s time to go your separate ways.
- There are some blocks in your relationship that need to be removed so that the love you both want can return.
- Your old relationship is over and it’s time to bury it and let a new relationship be born.
I’m not personally invested in 1, 2, or 3, but most men and women who look deeply find that their real happiness is found by pursuing the hard work of 2 or 3, rather than the hard work of 1. You’ve already invested a lot in your marriage. It’s a good idea to take the time and effort to invest in a really good marriage counselor.
Too many people become anxious or depressed. They leave a marriage that could be fixed or they stay and suffer. There are better choices. I encourage you to reach out and get the support you need. I’d like to hear your thoughts and respond to your questions.
This is probably one of the most important messages to get ‘out there’ to people in relationships, whether officially married or not. The statistics show that if you and your partner do not heal whatever is causing your discomfort in your present relationship, you both are likely to go out and find another person with whom you will form the very same dysfunctional relationship. It’s the universal law of life giving us the same problem or challenge to solve again and again in different forms until we finally figure it out for ourselves. Your article is so very valuable as is your overall life mission of helping men and women heal themselves in partnership instead of ‘fixing’ each other. Keep up the good work!
Dianne,
Thanks for the comments and thanks for help spreading the word.
As a faithful, loyal and kind wife I have worked my butt off to try to save my 20 year marriage. My husband seems depressed, rage ful, his testosterone is at 0 and he is very narcisstic. He refuses to get help and walked out on me and the kids months ago. I know divorce isn’t the answer because we had a great marriage for many many years but he has unraveled and there is nothing I can do about it but take good care of myself and my kids. It may only take one person to make the marriage better but it only takes one to destroy it too. So when I read the title of this post I thought “yeah tell my husband that.”
Nicole, as you say when a man is depressed, full of rage, and his testosterone is O, he’s hard to reach and he often blames someone else, often the wife and family. When I counsel men like this I’m able to help them see that, though their wife may contribute to the problem, the main problem is with their “life” not their “wife.”
When I counsel women I help them take care of themselves and their family. I also help reach out to the man. Usually he can be reached with the right approach.
I’m sure I’m not perfect in all this but I definitely have always been committed to our marriage and family. I have your irritable male book and it describes my husband to a T. He has filed for divorce. Is there anymore I can do to get him help? I want to save my family. Also, he has had narcisstic traits our entire marriage but they have really escalated.
Jed,
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and I agree 100% with you. I was married for 10 years then 6 years and now 28 years. Too soon old and too late smart, but never too late too learn. Now my relationship with my wife gets better every year. Thank you for the work you do .
Bob, Sounds like we’ve shared a similar path. Sometimes “third time” is the charm, particularly if we’ve learned important lessons and done some healing on ourselves.
Jed,
I agree as long as both partners work at the relationship. My spouse will not do counseling. I go by myself. We have been married for 40 years and the last 3 have been without sex. To me it is not a marriage.
I know how sad it can be when if feels something vital is missing. I know from years of experience that it doesn’t have to be that way. Things can change, even if only one of you is ready to try. But you need guidance to make it work.
Hi Jed,
I really like your articles and can currently relate to this one.
My husband and I have been married for 10.5 years , he recently filed for divorce
In August. Throughout this 7 months he moved out for a couple weeks, he put the divorce
on hold three times. We were fighting a lot in July and just changed overnight
It seemed like. We never were prefect but people will
Fall off thier chairs if we divorce. He doesn’t feel loved is his biggest complaint, I have always
Loved my husband, we just need some tweeking. We are seeing a marriage therapist which I think
Is good but nothing changes and he won’t cx the divorce papers. I can’t seem to get over this and it is
Making it harder for me to show him the loving wife I can be.
He is also on antidepressants and is dealing with depression but I’m not
Sure what to do anymore, he seems miserable with me. I need to do all
The work while feeling I’m on probation. We also have children which makes the situation bad. Please help!
Lori, I know how difficult this is. Sometimes it seems the relationship is between a rock and a hard place. You can’t seem to make it better without something pulling it down. If things aren’t changing, it either means you’re not working with the right therapist, or that this is a time to be doing inner work. Somethings things don’t look like they are changing, that things are stuck, but actually there are little changes happening in our consciousness. It may take some time for the changes to break through. That’s why I do an evaluation to see where things are, so that we can see whether to keep focused on the couple or if there are some individual changes that need to happen first.
Your subject is very close to home, involves a myriad of considerations, and takes more than a blurb to respond. We all have many options available, and divorce shouldn’t be the first. Fran
Fran, I know there’s a lot here. Thanks for the response.
HI Jed,
We are coming up on our 35 year wedding anniversary in 2 weeks. My husband moved out and into his sisters house 5 months ago. Two years ago while my father was in hospice dying I came home and my husband told me he wanted a divorce. At the time he said there was no other woman involved. One year later still not divorced he had a surgery go bad. He has been off work for 1 1/2 years now. We spent every day last year at doctor appts or physical therapy. I found out 1 month after surgery right before valentines day that their was another woman involved, but stood by his side and helped him. A couple months after I found out he said he was no longer going to divorce me. I spent the rest of the year thinking that. in Oct. I found that he had sent the other woman flowers and he again said he was going to divorce me and there was nothing I could do about it. He moved out a couple weeks later. We have had a wonderful marriage. Always been in church, raised and home schooled 6 children together. I am falling apart and do not know how to reach him. I read on line to give them space. I tried that and nothing is changing. I have tried to text him a couple of times he refuses to answer. We have had no contact at all. I am afraid I will do the wrong thing and push him further away. Please do you have any advice.
Thanks
Cheryl,
I work specifically with women and men who still believe in love, but are facing a relationship that is on the rocks. These are very difficult situations. Too often a man (and sometimes a woman) will blame the spouse when things go wrong. Often the problem is “their life” not “their wife.”
However, once the feelings of disconnect take control, they are hard to break and its difficult to get back the trust that was lost.
However, its not impossible. I work with whoever is ready to put the relationship ahead of their own individual needs and to look for ways to heal.
If you’d like to contact me privately you can write me at Jed@MenAlive.com. If its your first time writing be sure and respond to my spamarrest message so your email gets delivered to me.
Don’t give up. There is always hope when you get the support you need.
How do you get a hostile, moody, wife-blaming very low T man in andropause to even read ‘The Irritable Man Syndrome?’ Leaving it on the table with verbal requests to read it doesn’t work.
Marriage counseling hasn’t worked. He refuses to get a comprehensive physical to assess for other issues apart from very low T, which he’s being treated for (I had finesse the T test through his doc to get even that, and the results of T supplementation are less then ideal).
I’m living with a moody, depressed, stressed, volatile stranger, who conditionally loves me one day and loathes me the next day. I’m exhausted on all levels. Everything is blamed on me. Not an overstatement It’s too much. How about raging at that oh so spiritual brother who incested you when you were a preteen and he was a teen instead of raging at me, guy?
I’m walking out today for an indefinite period. If he wants to rescue his 28 year marriage, he’d better start really putting his heart into it.
Jane, Its not easy getting through to a man. Sometimes leaving is the best way to take care of yourself and sometimes the guy can wake up to what part he is playing in the problems and pains of the marriage. I’ve been helping women for years take care of themselves and help the man get through his denial.
The first step as you’re recognizing is taking care of yourself. From a position of safety you can then help him. I’ve developed a whole program that helps women, help the man.