In Part 1, I discussed the origin of my own search for masculinity growing up with an absent father. I also introduced you to Michael Gurian and Sean Kullman and their book, Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Health Male Development. In Part 2, I expanded the discussion to draw on the work of other colleagues who are recognizing that healthy masculinity, like healthy femininity, are opposite sides of the same coin and must be created supported together for the good of all.
Jungian psychologist Robert Moore and mythologist Douglas Gillette wrote a powerful and mind-expanding book, King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover: Rediscovering The Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. They also understand the importance of Rites of Passage to assist males in developing into healthy mature adult men.
“In the present crisis in masculinity we do not need, as some feminists are saying less masculine power,” say Moore and Gillette. “We need more. But we need more of the mature masculine.”
They go on to say,
“There is too much slandering and wounding of both the masculine and feminine in patriarchy, as well as the feminist reaction against patriarchy. The feminist critique, when it is not wise enough, actually further wounds an already besieged authentic masculinity.”
I met Robert Moore and Doug Gillette shortly after the publication of their book. We three had a connection with Robert Bly. I had met Bly several years previously and shared a cabin with him at a men’s gathering in California. He gifted me a copy of his book, The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart, co-written with James Hillman and Michael Meade. Robert wrote:
“To Jed with love and in the mood of brothers.”
In the introduction to King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover, Moore and Gillette say,
“During Bill Moyers’s recent interview with the poet Robert Bly, ‘A Gathering of Men,’ a young man asked the question, ‘Where are the initiated men of power today?’ We have written this book in order to answer this question, which is on the minds of both men and women.”
Decoding the Male Psyche–The Four Archetypes of Mature Masculinity
“The four major forms of mature masculine energies that we have identified are the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover,” say Moore and Gillette. “They all overlap and, ideally, enrich one another. A good King is always also a Warrior, a Magician, and a Lover. And the same holds true for the other three.”
In my book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I detail what I’ve learned from Robert Moore and Doug Gillette. Here is a short description of the four archetypes:
- King—The energy of just and creative ordering.
- Warrior—The energy of aggressive but nonviolent action.
- Magician—The energy of initiation and transformation.
- Lover—The energy that connects one to others and the world.
Moore and Gillette believe that the problems we see with men today—violence, shiftlessness, aloofness—are a result of modern men not adequately exploring or being in touch with the primal, masculine archetypes that reside within them. Like the great psychoanalyst Carl Jung, they believe that men and women possess both feminine and masculine archetypal patterns—this is the anima (feminine) and animus (masculine).
Each of the archetypal energy potentials in the male psyche has a three-part structure. Think of a triangle. At the top of the triangle is the archetype in its fullness. At the bottom of the triangle are twin dysfunctional aspects, either having too much (+) or too little (-) of the quality.
The King in his fullness at the top is powerful and nurturing.
At the bottom, the dysfunctional
Tyrant (+) and Weakling (-)
The Warrior in his fullness is forceful and peaceful. The dysfunctional pairs are the
Sadist (+) and the Masochist (-).
The Magician in his fullness initiates and transforms. His dysfunctional pairs are the
Detached Manipulator (+) and the Denying “Innocent” One (-).
The Lover in his fullness is connects and protects. The dysfunctional lover are the
Addicted Lover (+) or Impotent Lover (-).
I believe we all recognize many of the dysfunctional aspects in men, including male leaders.
Healing the Father Wound
In order to move from a world of where we have men who express their mature and healthy King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover energies, we must heal our father wounds and experiencing healthy Rites of Passage. In my book, 12 Rules for Good Men, I have a chapter titled, Heal Your Father Wound and Become the Father You Were Meant to Be.
I work with many men whose father wound has interfered with their success in love and marriage, limited their career success, and kept them from being the man they most want to be. I have also developed an on-line course for healing: “Healing the Family Father Wound.”
Do you suffer from a family father wound? According to Roland Warren, former head of the National Fatherhood Initiative,
“Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that hole, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”
For millions of men and women, the father wound influences our health and well-being, but we are not aware that it exists.
Here’s The Father-Wound Quiz I use in my counseling practice to help people assess whether they may have been impacted by an absent father. Please check off each statement that is true for you.
- My father died when I was still a child ( ).
- My parents divorced or were separated when I was young ( ).
- My father was physically present, but emotionally distant ( ).
- Growing up, my father worked a lot and he didn’t have enough time to be with me ( ).
- My father was very critical of me ( ).
- I never felt I could please my father ( ).
- My father rarely said, “I love you, I’m proud of you, I believe in you” ( ).
- One or both of my parents had mental health problems ( ).
- One or both of my parents had drinking or drug problems ( ).
- I sought out father-figures to help compensate for my father’s absence ( ).
- During adolescence I often got angry and sometimes got into fights ( ).
- During adolescence I was eager to fall in love or had early sexual experiences ( ).
- Having a best friend was extremely important to me ( ).
- I felt lonely and depressed growing up, even though I covered it well ( ).
- As an adult I have had difficulty finding and keeping a healthy relationship ( ).
- I’ve been married and divorced at least once ( ).
- I have difficulty committing to a relationship ( ).
- I sometimes pick partners who aren’t good for me in the long run ( ).
- “Looking for love in all the wrong places” may have been written for me ( ).
- With my own children, I worry about whether I’m being a good parent ( ).
- I’ve vowed to be a different kind of father than my father was for me ( ).
- I have been very successful at work, but less than successful in my love life ( ).
- With my spouse or partner I often feel like a critical parent or a demanding child ( ).
- I haven’t made as much money as I’m worth or become as successful as I want ( ).
Even those with healthy, involved fathers will check off a few of these statements. However, if you checked six or more, you may be suffering from the effects of an absent father. The more items you checked, the deeper the wound is likely to be.
Experiencing Healthy Rites of Passage
Bill Kauth is the co-founder of the ManKind Project. It offers one of the most powerful rites of passage programs I’ve ever experienced. I first met Bill Kauth in 1980 at a conference that had emerged from the consciousness of the women’s movement. I immediately felt I had found a kindred spirit. We were both impressed with the positive energy of women coming together to break out of the old restrictions that society had placed on them. It felt good to support women, but we also recognized that men needed to find their own support and break free from their own restrictions.
I still remember my own introduction to the New Warrior weekend (Now called The Mankind Project’s New Warrior Training Adventure) . It was 1991, twelve years after my men’s group began. We joked that we felt like “an old married couple.” We knew each other well, felt safe and comfortable, enjoyed ourselves immensely, but were growing a bit bored hearing the same stories. We decided to attend the New Warrior weekend. Although it’s impossible to describe any kind of ritual initiation because the real value is in the experience, here are some of the things I learned:
- Being with other men in this well-crafted weekend experience was transformative. I felt a host of feelings: Anxiety, confusion, exhilaration, joy, and true brotherly love. By the end, I felt more myself, more deeply connected to others, and with tools that I could use to be more successful in life.
- I broke through my “Mr. Nice Guy” image to share a lot of my woundedness and anger. I found that my anger didn’t destroy people. In fact, it was appreciated, and there was a group of supportive men to help me guide my anger and who taught me ways of expressing it that would help, rather than harm, myself and others.
- Most of my life I felt like the Lone Ranger figuring things out on my own, doing what needed to be done by myself, solving my own problems. I thought being stoic, independent, and self-sufficient was what it meant to be a man. During the weekend, I learned to be part of a team, to work together in support of shared goals, and found that success was sweeter and more lasting when achieved together.
Being part of a men’s group that has been meeting for forty-six years has been a great gift that I recommend to all men. In my book, 12 Rules for Good Men, I talked about the long history of men’s groups.
“Looking back on our heritage as men to our lives as hunter-gathers over the last two million years, one of the things that stands out to me is that men spent considerable time in small groups with other men.”
I concluded,
“Bottom line—Being in a men’s group combats loneliness and keeps you alive and well.”
If you’d like more information about my work and upcoming opportunities, please visit me at https://menalive.com/.
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