6 Ways the Father Wound Can Harm You and Your Family and What You Can Do To Heal 

For most adults, the father wound, is invisible. Children are very aware of a father’s absence due to divorce, death, disconnection, or dysfunction. Children know the pain of a father who may not be a loving support for his family because the father may suffer from mental illness, have an alcohol problem, be preoccupied with work, or be physically or emotionally abusive. But humans are resilient. We get used to whatever we experience in childhood and by the time we become adults, the wounds have been covered over and we often forget their childhood origins.

This was certainly the case in my own life. When I was five years old, my father had what was called a “nervous breakdown.” He took an overdose of sleeping pills and was committed to Camarillo State Mental hospital, north of Los Angeles. After being hospitalized for three years, my mother was told that he would need to be hospitalized, perhaps for the rest of his life. My mother finally got a divorce and later married another man.

Gradually I came to forget the pain I felt losing my father. I learned to be independent and take care of myself and tried to make my own way into manhood without the presence of a father. But the father wound, like other effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES), doesn’t go away just because our conscious mind has buried the experience or we have learned to “forget the past” and “get on with our lives.”

I became very successful in my career as therapist helping men and the women who love them. I had fourteen books published including international bestsellers, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Male Menopause, and The Irritable Male Syndrome. Yet, my personal life was chaotic and dysfunctional. My first marriage ended in divorce and I quickly fell in love with a woman who slept with a gun under her pillow to protect her “from men.” That marriage was short-lived. I became increasingly angry, manic and depressed.

I had multiple layers of resistance, thinking that since I was a therapist I could handle the problems myself. Being male and being a therapist kept me in denial a long time. But I finally reached out and got help. I learned that I was not alone. According to the National Center for Fathering, “More than 20 million children live in a home without the physical presence of a father. Millions more have dads who are physically present, but emotionally absent. If it were classified as a disease, fatherlessness would be an epidemic worthy of attention as a national emergency.”

I began to connect the dots and understood that the father wound I experienced as a child had a lot to do with the problems I developed later in life. Roland Warren, past president of the National Fatherhood Initiative says, “Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that hole, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.” Kids with a hole in their soul grow up to be adults whose lives become chaotic and dysfunctional. Here are five ways the father wound can undermine our lives.

1. We blame ourselves for our father wound.

When we fail to receive the love and support we need from our father, we grow up feeling something is wrong with us. Even though we know it’s not rational, we blame ourselves for our father’s absence. Maybe if I were a better kid my father wouldn’t have left, we think.

2. We develop fragile self-esteem.

We may act tough, strong, and self-sufficient, but deep down inside we feel something vital is missing in us. Though we are not consciously aware of it, we are forever trying to prove ourselves to the father we lost.

3. We are cut off from our feelings.

We live with a deep wound that we cover because it is too painful to deal with. Because we don’t allow ourselves to feel pain, we are cut off from our feelings, particularly the loving and tender ones. We might know what we should feel, but we are often numb and closed down.

4. We are prone to addictions and other forms of escape.

We may drink, drug, use pornography, or become obsessed with our work. We tell ourselves we’re just blowing off steam, relieving stress, but we’re really running away from the pain from our past.

5. We become depressed and take our anger out on others.

We become increasingly irritable and angry with those we love. We’re not aware that the anger we feel towards our lost fathers is being projected on to our loved ones. We become increasingly depressed, but are afraid to admit it.

6. We are hungry for love, but are afraid to get close.

We often blame others for our unhappiness and push away those who care about us the most. We want to give and receive love, but the ghost of our lost father keeps us cut off and lonely.

Fortunately, there are some simple, though not easy, steps we can take to heal.

1. Admit to yourself and another person that you are in pain.
2. Accept that your behavior has been hurting yourself and your family.
3. Commit to getting help and breaking the cycle of pain, escape, and more pain.
4. Be willing to explore the father wound and learn how it has impacted your life.
5. Ask yourself some hard questions. Was my father absent physically, emotionally, or spiritually when I was growing up? Did I feel the pain of his absence? Am I ready to heal the father wound?
6. Release your shame, guilt, and anger. It wasn’t your fault that you didn’t get the loving support you needed from your father. He probably didn’t get it from his father.

Healing can take years, but it’s worth doing. You take one step at a time. If this article resonates with you, I invite you to share your comments and reach out. You are not alone. I want to hear from you, whether you are a wounded man or a family member living with a wounded man. There is a network of people and programs committed to healing the father wound. We can heal together. I look forward to your comments and questions.