The stress response was our secret weapon for success through most of human history. It saved our lives, making us run from predators and enabling us to take down prey. The problem is that we are no longer responding to a wild animal attack that might occur once every six months, but instead we are dealing with hundreds of stresses every day. Human beings are turning on the same life-saving physical reaction to cope with aging parents, unhappy teenagers, costly gasoline, increasing food prices, traffic jams, and job insecurity. As a result, our stress response never turns off, and we’re constantly marinated in corrosive hormones that used to prepare us for fight or flight, but now they just make us sick.
We know that stress is implicated in 80-90% of the illnesses we all suffer, everything from arthritis and Alzheimer’s to irritability and depression. Richard O’Connor, PhD, is an expert on treating stress and believes that our modern medical approach misses the mark. “Current practice overemphasizes control of symptoms: take an antidepressant; learn self-hypnosis for anxiety; take a pill to overcome your addiction to alcohol; find a doctor to give you drugs to make you feel less pain or discomfort. By focusing on symptoms like this, we play into the vicious circle of disease.”
There’s a better way to prevent chronic stress and I describe it in my new book, Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. In working with stressed-out men and women for more than 40 years, I’ve learned we need to change how we understand and deal with stress in our lives. Here are some important findings from my research:
- Stress isn’t really the problem. All change is stressful and we can’t stop change.
- The real problem is how we deal with stress. I show you how to go beyond symptom relief to address the underlying causes of stress.
- A bad relationship can create stress and a good one can prevent stress.
- There are five key reasons a good relationship will help reduce stress in your life.
Two of experts in this emerging field are John Gottman, author of What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, and Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Their research shows that the quality of our adult relationships buffers us from the stresses of life.
2. Good Sex Can Reduce Stress, But A Good Relationship Does It Even Better.
I’ve been married twice before. Carlin and I have been together now for 33 years. I remember looking back on my past relationships and thinking, “the sex was good with my previous partners, but the relationship became so stressful it wasn’t worth it.” We often seek out sex to sooth the wounds that we feel. Unfortunately the wounded feelings are often the result of our relationships.
As the lyrics from a song the song by The Notorious Cherry Bombs reminds us, “It’s hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.”
3. Emotional Dependency Isn’t Bad. In Fact, It’s What Makes Real Love Possible.
Most of us grew up believing that we needed to separate from our parents, go out in the world and establish ourselves as independent, self-sufficient adults if we were going to attract a mate. This belief is particularly prevalent in men, but our whole culture emphasizes self-sufficiency and independence as marks of maturity.
According to research by Dr. Johnson and Dr. Gottman, good relationships thrive when we acknowledge our dependency needs rather than denying them. “You are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.”
4. We Used to Teach Parents to Ignore the Emotional Needs of Children.
Most of us now recognize that children are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents and it’s the parent’s job to hug, touch, and be there for their children when they are emotionally upset. But this wasn’t always the case.
Many of us grew up at a time when child-care experts were advocating distant, detached care. It was believed that this would turn children into self-possessed, autonomous beings as quickly as possible. One of the fathers of modern social science, John B. Watson, was adamant that mother love was a “dangerous instrument.” He was convinced that women’s sentimental natures were a defect that prevented them from pushing their children into independence.
Now we know that children will turn to their parents when they are scared or hurt. If the parents comfort, touch, and support them, so learn that they can then venture back out in the world. Children who are allowed to be dependent when needed become more independent. Those who are forced to “take care of themselves” become anxious or withdrawn adults.
5. Both Men and Women Have to Learn to Accept Our Needs to Depend on Our Partner
It took me a long time to allow myself to show vulnerability and weakness, even to my wife. Although she would assure me that she would love me even more if I opened myself to her and reached out when I was anxious, stressed, or needy, I wasn’t so sure.
I remembered hearing my mother and her women friends talk about their husbands in very negative ways when they acted “weak.” I still hear many women say things like, “It’s like I have another child in the house. I can accept my little ones crying and running to me for support, but I don’t want my husband acting that way.”
But gradually, we’ve both learned that we need each other in similar ways. She needs to learn to run to me for support and nurture when she is stressed out scared and I need to learn to do the same. As the Eagles song “Desperado” reminds us, “You better let somebody love you. You better let somebody love you. You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late.”
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