I’ve been a marriage and family counselor for more than forty years and have helped couples keep their relationship alive and well through the years. We hear a lot about the “big problems” that couples face:
- Infidelity
- Drug and alcohol abuse
- Fighting
- Boredom
- Sexual incompatibility
These are certainly problems that many people face. But my colleague Michael Gurian, a renowned marriage and family counselor and author of the new book, Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy, believes that five habits that are very common can have a huge detrimental impact on our relationships.
Gurian recounts an experience he had with two friends Sevda and Tarik. At parties or social gatherings, Sevda, a university professor, insisted that Tarik, a physician, was an “interruptor.” She also insisted that she was expressly not an interrupter. And she confessed that Tarik’s tendency to interrupt created significant marital difficulties.
She was right—it did, and Tarik was oblivious to the damage. Men are often unable to see the effects of their actions during interactions and conflicts. Male heart rates do not rise as high as women’s during a marital conflict or stressful situation, and males may not notice as much because they are not as stressed by a situation. Gurian notes that scientists Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and Ron Glaser have found that not only women’s heart rates but their stress hormones epinephrine and nor-epinephrine also rise during stressful situations in marriage more than men’s. Men’s “hearts,” literally, remain oblivious at times to the possible damage in their actions, Gurian cautions.
But that’s not the whole story. Women often tend to mirror the public male behavior (interrupting, in this case) in private in more damaging passive-aggressive ways than they realize. Here’s an example. Gurian had arrived early to Sevda and Tarik’s apartment for a social gathering and used the restroom. Coming out of the restroom, he could hear a conversation that a therapist would never otherwise hear because it wouldn’t take place in a therapy office or laboratory.
Tarik: “I was reading an article about asymmetry in both mammary glands and testicles that posited why one mammary gland and testi—
Sevda: “One’s bigger than the other, so of course they’d be asymmetrical.”
Tarik: “Yes, I know, but the size doesn’t create the genetic—
Sevda: “Hand me that picture—”
Tarik: “What the biologists were positing was that the asymmetry delivers a message—
Sevda: “Do we really have time for this now? We’ve got to get this picture hung.”
The very thing that drove Sevda crazy about Tarik in public also drove Tarik crazy about Sevda in private. While certainly both partners had their reasons for interrupting—in this case, Sevda was in a rush, which is a valid reason—the accumulation of the interrupting behavior was harming their marriage. By trading interrupting behavior back and forth in various settings, both lovers devalued one another. Over a period of years, it was difficult for this marriage to work.
John Gottman, Ph.D., the well-known marriage counselor and researcher, says that it’s the small betrayals like these that can seriously damage a relationship. I’ve found they can even damage our health. I worked with a couple recently. He was suffering from atrial fibrillation and she had painful arthritis. Both problems improved as the couple recognized and broke free from the habits that Gurian has identified.
Check List of Five Negative Marital Habits
Do you:
- Interrupt your partner in public or private? Perhaps you interrupt your partner in both settings. If so, give some examples of both. If just one setting, give some examples of dialogue of interruption in one setting. Some interruption is normal between best friends, but do you do it too much?
- Avoid doing things you know make your partner happy? Perhaps you know that your partner would be very happy if you cleaned the house, but you avoid doing it. Perhaps you don’t just avoid doing it some of the time (some of the time would be a compromise), but instead, you avoid doing it all the time. Or you do it only when your partner forces you—perhaps through bribery, begging, or anger.
- Avoid doing things sexually that either you really want to do and/or that you know your partner needs and wants to do?
- Criticize your partner too much in public and/or in private? Some amount of critique, judgment, moralizing, and correcting of a partner’s behavior is normal in any long partnership. You care about your partner and figure you know what’s best for him or her. But do you criticize, judge, become reactive, or correct your partner on more than just a few things? If so, list those things.
- Let your partner criticize, judge, moralize about, and correct you more than is safe for the development, growth, or stability of your own separated identity and self? It’s normal for all of us to defer to our partner’s critiques sometimes—if we didn’t, we’d lack an essential humility in our relationship. But if you are getting critiqued every day, and if you constantly assume your partner is right and you are wrong, your self-confidence is probably being significantly debilitated. List the critiques you “take” from your partner.
Awareness is the First Step for Healing
Often these habits have become so ingrained we don’t even recognize them. Awareness is the first step to healing. Once we’re aware we can talk to each other, listen to each other, and commit to making the changes that can improve our lives. It’s not easy to change old habits, but the rewards are considerable.
These habits can act like acid in a relationship. They eat away at the foundation and eventually the relationship crumbles and falls. Don’t let that happen to you. I’ll look forward to your comments and experience. To learn more, I highly recommend Michael Gurian’s book, (affiliate link) Lessons of LIfeLong Intimacy: Building a Stronger Marriage Without Losing Yourself—The 9 Principles of a Balanced and Happy Relationship.
I look forward to your comments and questions.
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