What I Learned From Feminism: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly 

 October 2, 2015

By  Jed Diamond

FeminismI’ve been a feminist since I first read Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique in 1964. In fact, I still have my copy with the cover price of 75 cents. I was initially attracted to the words on the cover by anthropologist Ashley Montagu:

“The book we have been waiting for…the wisest, sanest, soundest, most understanding and compassionate treatment of contemporary American woman’s greatest problem…a triumph.”

I was 20 years old at the time and desperately wanted to understand my girlfriend, the young woman I would marry two years later. But as soon as I began reading, it became clear that “the problem that has no name” was my problem too.

I grew up in a family where both my mother and father suffered from unspoken anguish. My mother had always wanted to be a writer and illustrator, but had to go to work as a secretary to earn a living. She helped support my father who was a writer unable to sell his work. They never talked about her unfulfilled dreams or his failure to provide. Still struggling at mid-life, he became alternately manic and depressed. Trying to make a living in a job market that had little room for writers, put increasing stress on his psyche.

Hoping to avoid the problems they experienced, I saw feminism as support for breaking out of the old boxes that told men we had to be this way and told women they had to be that way. One of the great joys in my life is reading and one of my favorite book stores in those days was a feminist bookstore in San Francisco. Though most of the people in the store were women, I browsed the aisles and was lost in the richness of what I was reading.

Gradually I became aware of a young boy in the store. He was seven or eight years old and clearly the son of the store’s owner, a woman who I realized was looking at me with some suspicion. I paid little attention to either of them and want back to my reading. The boy walked by me a number of times and “accidently” bumped into me. When I looked up he was clearly angry with my presence, but I went back to my reading and ignored the intrusion.

Fifteen minutes later he came by again. This time when he bumped into me, he thrust a piece of paper in my hand. It was written in a child’s handwriting. It announced “We don’t like men here.” I was stunned. I had a wave of anger, followed by feeling ashamed. Was I really an intruder here? Then a deep sadness came over me. What was this boy learning about men and about himself, a boy who would grow up to be a man? I looked for the boy’s mother. When I caught her eye, she looked daggers at me and then turned her back. I soon left the store.

I saw a side of feminism that was fearful, hostile, and didn’t really understand that true liberation would free men and women both. This kind of anti-male feminism also failed to see that women’s liberation was deeply died to men’s liberation and neither would succeed fully without the other.

I saw a different side of feminism a few years later when I attended my first “Women’s Liberation Conference.” It was billed as a conference for women, but men were invited to attend. When my wife said she wanted to go, I jumped at the chance to join her. By this time I had a number of women friends (mostly friends of my wife) who were interested in liberation, but no men who I could talk with. I thought this was the place to meet some like-minded guys.

When my wife was invited to a “women’s lib” conference where men were invited to attend, I jumped at the chance to go with her. The conference was held at Asilomar conference center near Monterrey, California.

Picture 700-800 women and maybe 12 men in attendance. It was exciting and intimidating. It was clear that many of the women weren’t happy that men were attending and the few men I met seemed more interested in talking about sports and sex (good manly topics, but I wanted more). I finally met a couple of guys who seemed to want to go deeper and we talked about forming a men’s group. Only problem was that they lived in New York and I was in California.

I felt discouraged and lamented, “what am I doing here? The women hate that I’m here and the few men I might relate with live on the other side of the country.” But when I felt the most discouraged and alone, a few women reached out to me and their mentoring set me on course again. “Thank you for being here,” they told me. “It means a lot to us that you came. We need more men who care about the liberation of males and females. You’ll find other men to join with you. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” Their words of encouragement sent me back home with a new resolve.  I will be forever grateful to those wise and caring women.

The angry bookstore owner I experienced in San Francisco was one side of feminism. The two women I met at the conference were another side. Through the years I’ve come to believe that there is a place for both sides of feminism in liberating us all. There is a place for women to have their separate groups, separate space, and maybe even separate bookstores (and of course men also need to have a safe place to heal). But there is also a place where we can come together as men and women and support each other in healing our wounds.

I’ll never know the life experiences of the woman at the San Francisco bookstore. I can only imagine the wounds that she must have experienced that may have come from men in her l life. I also can’t know the healing experiences of the women at Asilomar that enabled them to reach out and encourage me. But they all were instrumental in my growth as a man on the path of liberation.

I’d like to hear any comments you have about the article. I’m also wanting to connect with people who would like to help me spread the word about helping men and the families who love them. Drop me an email. Put “help” in the subject line and respond to my spamarrest filter if you’re writing for the first time.

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Image Credit

Best Wishes,

Jed Diamond


Founder and VHS (Visionary Healer Scholar) of MenAlive

  1. I like what I read here and it made me think of the nessescity to work, even when you disagree completely with the companys morals that you work for and then go on to suffer the consequences placed on you by the same morals because you have done to you what they do to everyone else,why should we have a career which by definition suits you until either the day you die or retire? Why not do a different job everyday?, I guess my mission now is to wake everyone else up and create awareness but it doesnt pay the bills. Liberation? I dont know! Ignorance was bliss !!!

    1. Paul, It is a line we must walk between making a living and fitting in with the system and standing up in opposition or getting out of a system that is destructive. Its never an easy decision.

  2. Feminism is for the most part a social disaster. It started as a government plot to get women into the workforce to raise the tax base to pay for the social programs of the 1960’s. Fine for the 10 percent of shark women who want to be CEO’s, lawyers and politicians. It set up unnecessary competition between men and women for jobs. Women who gain professional positions early in their carriers may be flush with excitement but remember you are going to work that job for the next 40 years, have fun. Most women are sick of work by their fifties and would rather be grandmothers. Who got liberated were the men. Now we have a generation of Peter Pan’s who shuck male responsibility for Xbox. Women who want to get married can’t find decent, responsible hard working men. Be careful what you wish for you might just get it. Besides, if women think they have such a terrible life here in America I am sure they can get a better deal in Iran.

  3. Your message of liberation for both men and women from limiting stereotypes is needed now more than ever. A generation of angry feminists who were given perhaps more of a spotlight than those wanting to heal old wounds have given the word feminism a negative connotation in many men’s minds. It has caused separation and (I fear) more obstacles and resistance to healing, liberating change for both men and women. I don’t think it is necessary to create an “old girls club” any more than it is needed to maintain an “old boys club”. Thank you for being a voice of reason. Thank you for urging us to create a even playing field of respect and understanding between the sexes. Please continue to do so, and to let your readers know how we can try to change the world one relationship at a time.

    1. Dianne, It’s time we ended the battle of the sexes instead of trying to win it. We’re all in this together. We need each other and we all have work to do to find our place once again in the community of life.

  4. I’ve always been the guy who didn’t fit in many groups of men(except for the group in my school where we all boys were lost by educational system in which we failed), the groups in which one either have to tolerate constant humiliation and take it like a man .. Due to this only close friend of me was one or two female friends and my teachers and old folks… It did made me quite alone but helped me to gain more resilience in healing past traumas of physical and sexual nature…

    Meditation has been the most liberating tool I used..it made in in touch with my emotions and helped me to befriend them rather than get scared by them. When I got aware of how I am also in the male socialization system I was stunned that how easy it is to condemn men and get societal approval and how I could feel myself as liberal while I was spreading hatred of men.

    I started reading literature of men psychology and just like any other guy I stumbled across extremist sides of them..but I am a sensitive type guys..I can’t take in any hate, It doesn’t work for me,not for very long. It’s so difficult to find wisdom where where you can deeply heal yourself and others without being anti women and vice versa. I had good experience with Warren Farrell books, Herb Goldberg …still having rough time for more compassionate people like you to stand up for men and deal with issues heart on.

    Regards

    1. Hate never solves problems. It dis-empowers us all. Healing old wounds and learning to love gives us the strength to confront what is wrong in our world and stand for what is right.

      1. indeed it is true….moreover, I feel that if as a male, I don’t react and respond with demonizing or hate, there’s a social message which tells that if I am not demonizing women or men or some group, it means I must be hating the gender for whom I should stand up…but thats not true, if I understand and oppose someone who’s being unfair, I dont have to demonize them, I can still understand them and care for them…

        1. Nishant, Well said. In this world where so much emphasis is placed on being against someone or something, we need to learn to love and support, disagree with care and respect, and speak our own personal truth about our lives. This way we can all learn that, as Elizabeth Kubler Ross once said, “We are each like snowflakes, absolutely beautiful and unique, and here for a very short time.”

          1. Yes…atleast I dont need social environment and politics to change from way of division to unity in order to be compassionate…. It affects my well being and also led to negative contribution if I am not

            Thanks for your response.

            Nishant

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