Carlin and I often watch Book-TV on weekends and listen to the latest non-fiction books. Today we heard Eileen Pollack talking about her book, The Only Woman in the Room: Why Science is Still a Boys’ Club. She talks about the ways that women have been excluded from studying science and math and other areas of life that have been traditionally associated with the “Boys’ Club.” But I’ve found that men may be having an even more difficult time getting into the doors of the “Girls’ Club.” What’s more, our failure to gain access may be killing us.
Here are some disturbing facts about men:
- Men live sicker and die sooner than do women.
- For nearly all 15 leading causes of death including heart disease, cancer, stroke, accidents, diabetes, kidney disease, liver disease, suicide, and homicide; men and boys have higher age-adjusted death rates than women and girls.
- The only exception is Alzheimer’s disease where women die at higher rates than men. And even before we die of these diseases we suffer their effects at rates higher than do women.
Until recently most people accepted the fact that the male body breaks down sooner than women’s bodies. We believed it was merely a part of our nature. Though some of the difference may result from simply being male, a great deal results from the way we live. Based on recent research, men’s health expert, Will Courtenay, found a number of key factors that contribute to men’s loss of health including the following:
- We visit physicians less and have far fewer health check-ups than women do.One of my male clients quipped with typical male gallows humor. “I go to the doctor for my yearly health check-ups….Once every ten or fifteen years.”
- We are less likely to practice self-care. One recent study of a random sample of 6,000 health maintenance-organization members found that 77% of the women conducted self-screenings for cancer compared to 45% of the men. Sleep is another form of self-care, and we get far less sleep than women do. Even among a national sample of 11,000 health-conscious respondents, the men reported sleeping an average of 6 hours to women’s 8.21.
- Our diets are worse than women’s. Food expert Michael Pollan summarized the best advice on diet: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” Men eat more junk, eat too much, eat more meat, and eat fewer fruits and vegetables than do women.
- We drink more and use more drugs. One man joked about not having a drinking problem. “I drink, I get drunk. I fall down…No problem.”
- We engage in more risk-taking than do women. For instance, Dr. Countenay found that men are more likely than women to drive dangerously. Motor vehicle-related fatalities account for nearly half of all unintentional injury deaths and men are 2 1/2 times more likely to die in accidents than are women.
- We engage in more violence. We are much more likely than women to be both the perpetrators and the victims of violence. For example, nearly one half of men nationally have been punched or beaten by another person, compared to one quarter of women.
- We have fewer social supports than women. We have fewer, less intimate friendships than women and are less likely to have a close confidant, particularly someone other than a spouse. Some researchers have even concluded that most of us have no close friends at all.
Lack of social connection may be the biggest cause of male death and disability. In their book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection researchers John Cacioppo and William Patrick say that “social isolation is on a par with high blood pressure, obesity, lack of exercise, or smoking as a risk factor for illness and early death.” Now that surprised me. I never would have thought that lack of social connections could actually cause serious medical problems. I believe that it was the lack of social connection that lead to the bipolar disorder and depression that almost killed my father and causes men to commit suicide at rates 3 to 18 times higher than women’s.
Over the years I’ve learned that women seem to give and get more support than do men and many of the healthiest and most engaging social groups are predominantly female, and men often feel excluded. Like Dr. Pollack who persevered and got her degree in physics and math, I’ve persevered and been the “only man in the room” in many social groups. But, like, Pollack, I’ve felt the negative judgments and subtle and, not so subtle, barriers. Here are a few of the rooms where I was a distinct minority.
- The baby sitting co-op. When my wife and I were a young couple we were part of a baby sitting co-op. We would sit for other couple’s kids and then be able to have sitters when we wanted to get away. Things were fine until she and I split up. Single moms were welcome in the co-op. However, I was looked at suspiciously. One woman asked why I would want to baby sit for other people’s small children. My answer, “The same reason you do. I love children and I’d like to get away for an evening sometime.”
- The feminist bookstore. I still have my copy of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique. I saw then, and see now, that the change in consciousness that would bring about women’s liberation would free me as well. But when I went to one of the biggest feminist bookstores in San Francisco, back in the day, it was clear that men were tolerated, but not welcomed.
- Weight-Watchers. Like many people I have trouble eating well and keeping my weight down. For a number of years after I joined Weight-Watchers, I was one of very few men. Even though I tried to encourage other men to join me, I was often the only man there.
- Zumba class. When a woman friend told me she was starting a Zumba class, I asked, “What the hell is a Zumba class?” She explained it was a fun way to exercise to music. I joined and loved it. I’ve been going 2 or 3 times a week for the last four years. Again, I’m one of the only men who attend and although I’m welcomed by some, others clearly are uncomfortable with my presence.
- Water aerobics. The one public pool in Willits closed a number of years ago and rather than waiting for public funds to build a new one, a local woman built her own pool and opened it up to friends in the community. When my wife was invited, I asked if it was open to men. There was a reluctant, “I guess so.” I’ve been going, but again I’m one of few men who attend.
- Chamber of Commerce Women in Business forum. Our local Chamber of Commerce is quite forward thinking and enlightened. When they started a women-in-business group, I was encouraged. They have great speakers and lots of support for local business people. I asked if I could join, since I’m a local business person. They said, “We’ve been talking about it, but haven’t decided. Women have special needs for support and men have always had the “old boy’s network.” That answer didn’t satisfy me.
To paraphrase the older woman diner in When Harry Met Sally: “I want what she’s having.”
The barriers that have prevented women from fully participating in the world that had once been reserved for men seem to be dropping. But the barriers that keep men from enjoying the benefits of women’s world seem to still be firmly in place. Until they change, I believe, men will continue to live sicker and die sooner. That is a tragedy for men, women, and children.
I’d be very interested in your comments. Please share your thoughts below and then join me on Twitter: @MenAliveNow
It has been my experience too. As I am more into gender issues, I have deep respect for authors like Susan jeffers, Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Pema Chodron, Thubten Chodron and many more. All are female. All my growth till now is supported by these amazing women. When I talk with my female relatives about family issues and emotional stuff, I face resistance at first because I am a male telling a women how something can help her…not elder women..they are more receptive. I’ve felt uncomfortable when my family put more pressure on me to become mature(be financially independent fast). But I delayed because I didn’t wanted to jump in rat race. I am blessed with parents who understood my concern. After 3 years delay of my grad, I started making choices which felt true to me…Many of my male friends were concerned with same pressure to be mature fast. I did helped them that maturity is a process. Don’t give in to pressure of being strong. Ask for help.
Nishant
Nishant, Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you’ve gotten good support to be yourself and reach into world’s that have not been the domain of men in the past. Hope it will encourage other men to do so as well.
I am a woman and I very much agree with your points. Why exclude men so much? There are many organizations and groups that mentor and support women in many areas like business and science, yet it seems like there is an assumption that men will just naturally get it “somewhere”, whereas I don’t think that’s the case. I am sure many young men need support and mentorship, too, but I don’t see a lot of those organizations. We need to have that for everyone, not just gender-specific. Look at the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. Girls are allowed in Boy Scouts. Why? Are boys allowed in Girl Scouts? Why is it so terrible for boys to have their own groups? I think it’s needed. We need to show that both genders are important and worthy and need to be given the same chances and opportunities in life. I think that will definitely help improve self-esteem for everyone.
Susan, thanks for your thoughtful comments. We have assumed that women need to be allowed into what have traditionally been all male groups and clubs, but we haven’t really explored the reality that traditionally all female groups and clubs may be vital for men. I believe there should be safe places where men can be just with men and women can be just with women, but there also need to be places where we break down the barriers to entry. I saw a recent story of two young girls who wanted to be in the boy scouts. They much preferred the activities there, than ones in girl scouts. I’m sure there are some boys that might love to join a “girl’s organization.”
Let’s open our eyes and hearts to new possibilities.
I work in a mainly female work environment place and I don’t get any help from both female and male supervisors when I get harass and bully by women plus they don’t do anything to help me grow as a person. Being a white male doesn’t help either because I have work in other work areas that are predominately minorities and they have their own organizations to help their own ethnic/racial groups move up in the workplace. Despite what you hear, many white males don’t have the network and mentor support to grow as individuals and move up in an organization. It can be pretty lonely and it doesn’t have to be at the top.
G, good point. Many people say men don’t need special support and networking, that they all have the “old boy’s network.” But what most people don’t understand is that the old boy’s network is very restrictive. In many ways its easier these days for a woman to break into the network than it is for most men. I think we gain freedom when we create our own networks and some of them can be in places traditionally focused on women.
I agreed with you Mr. Diamond, that the Old Boy Club can be very restrictive when it is only limited to wealthy people who have the proper economic, political, and social connections. There have been studies that reported that is far more easier for a person in Sweden to move up the economic ladder than it is in the USA. America is returning to what is was before the Great Depression of 1929; however, the only difference is that today’s America doesn’t have a manufacturing base anymore.
What also bothers me is how many ethnic/racial groups have their own network/support groups; however, they don’t seem to want to help other groups as well. In addition, you have men going into traditional jobs like nursing and they don’t get help and actually get harass and bully because they dare to go into an occupation(s) that women feel that should be reserved for females only.
Finally, you have CEOs and wealthy people are complaining about the lack of a skilled workforce in this country; however, they have totally dis-invested themselves from the education system and take the jobs overseas or import both legal and illegal workers. Apparently, they don’t care about the health and welfare of the people.
With all these various forms of discrimination going on, it makes you wonder why bother to support these different groups since these groups in the long run are going to be undercutting any board range support from the rest of the population.
G, I think its the 1% group, who are keeping things closed to all the rest of us. Joining with all those who seek justice for all is a good way to get all of us a place at the table and more of an equal share.
Of course women have a natural protection response to being intimate with men due to sexualization of women by men. Protecting children from sexual predetors is real (babysitting). Being exclusive in swimsuit and workout settings is understandable, given sexual tension. The point that is worth considnering, that Jed makes here, is that all this has a very real and negative impact on the wellbeing of men. I would suggest that there are two other sexual forces that harm men greatly: The belief that hetrosexualality is the only normal and that homosexual is bad and dangerous. I think that these social forces that shape us, as men, cause us to isolate ourself. The oppresion of one section of humanity is holding down all of us, the uplifting and enlightenment on one segment benefit us all. We all benefit from women having access to more education and professional opportunities! I am excited about the female values that are coming into practice, like more flexiblity in work schedule to be present for children, maternity/paternity leave from work for new borns. The question is, “how to have more social connection for men, how to address isolation?” I think we need a serious amount of attention put to reprograming the messages that boys/men and girls/women get around who it is safe to be intimate with. One out of six boys are victums of sexual abuse and rape. Yet nobody talks about it because if a boy/man addmits to having had sex with another man, he is shamed out of social standing. In our biological evolution this would mean death. At the same time, research suggests that men think about sex many times everyday, and most of these thoughts are deamed socially inaproperate. The result of this sexual repression is as one man put it, “if people knew what I was thinking they would think I was a total jerk.” So we just keep it to ourself. Both of these come together as evidence of severe sexual repression in our sosiety. I believe that until we as a society can fully embrace the diversity and quanity of sexual experience and desire that we all have, we will cotinue to be afair of imtimacy with each other, be it women with men and men with men.
Sam,
Well said. Our fear of sexuality generally and homosexuality in particular is one of the things that often keeps men, gay or straight, locked up and closed down. As you say, liberation for one can help bring about liberation for us all. I was an early advocate, still am, of feminism and women’s liberation. We should learn the lessons that apply to men and free ourselves from the oppressive practices that restrict us. Men’s groups are an important support that all men need.
Thanks for sharing this with the world, Jed! It is so very true. My observations in the time that I have been involved with “Men’s Work” is that the pendulum has swung way to far towards feminism in the past 30 years. Men have become marginalized in the education system with far fewer boys and young men graduating. Men have become marginalized in the justice system with the majority of incarcerated people being men. Men have become marginalized in the health care system because there is not enough PR and education for men to take proactive steps for their self care. This needs to start from the top – the President of the USA, the heads of Corporate America need to speak out to help men become healthier.
Grant, I think true feminism and true feminists, are supportive of liberation of women and men. There are some, that are still caught up in a focus on women only. They feel that since women have been oppressed, they need to pull together with other women (no problem there), but often they see the “bad guys” as,…well, the guys. Too often all men get lumped together. It makes it easier and simpler if we have a “we’re the good girls” and they’re the “bad guys” mentality. Problem is that its not true and doesn’t serve, in the long run, to liberate women or men.
Most feminists I know, and many of these women wouldn’t even call themselves feminists, are totally supportive of the goodness in men and the importance of liberating women and men, boys and girls.
Heads of Corporate America don’t want men or women to become healthier. Their attitude is like the slave plantation owner/robbery baron where you use a person as long as you can and then you discard them or hopefully they die. So much for all this Christian teachings that were shove down our throats.
The more our focus is on making money, the less we focus on the real needs of people. If we’re going to be healthier and happier, we have to do it ourselves, with the support of other people who really care about human beings.