For Love or Money: The New Male Vocation Is….

June 6, 2012 By 7 Comments

The cover story in Time magazine headlines:  The Richer Sex:  Women, Money, and Power. It reports on studies showing that almost 40% of working wives make more money than their husbands and goes on to say, “Assuming present trends continue, by the next generation, more families will be supported by women than by men.”

This raises some interesting questions:  Will present trends continue, or will things shift back again towards men carrying more of the load to support the family?  If present trends do continue will it be good for men, women, and children?  Could the new male vocation be learning how to love more rather than learning to make more money?

I think there’s a wonderful opportunity here.  I’d offer it in the form of an equation (thanks to author Chip Conley for the idea of turning big ideas into short equations):

Love
________    =  Happiness
Money

Love divided by money equals happiness.  I know for most of my adult life, I thought I created happiness for myself and my family by working harder and harder to make more and more money.  I put a lot more effort into making money than learning the skills to love myself, love my wife, and love my children.  I knew I loved them, but I thought I expressed it best by making money.

My equation of effort might have looked like this  1/10 = 0.1.  I put in 1 unit of learning to love for every 10 units on making money.  Now, with so many men finding it difficult to make money, perhaps we can reverse this equation.  10/1 = 10, where we can put ten units into learning to love for every unit on making money.

What do you think?

Photo Credit: Time Magazine Cover March 26, 2012

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Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness: 7 Not So Simple Steps

May 28, 2012 By 2 Comments

As we reflect on those who have died in support of the American way of life, I think about what it takes to be truly happy.  Too often we live in fear or anger and it contributes to heart problems, relationship breakups, and conflict with other nations.

We all want to be happy and are looking for simple steps to getting there, yet scientific evidence makes it seem unlikely that you can change your level of happiness in any sustainable way.  Sad people don’t become lastingly happy and happy people don’t become lastingly sad.  But new research shows us all how to find lasting happiness.

In his book, Authentic Happiness:  Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin Seligman, the father of happiness research tells us, “The pursuit of happiness is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence as a right of all Americans, as well as on the self-improvement shelves of every American bookstore.”

But achieving lasting happiness isn’t easy.  Scientific evidence suggests that we each have a fixed range for happiness just as we do for weight. “New research into happiness,” says Seligman, “demonstrates that it can be lastingly increased.  And a new movement, Positive Psychology, shows how you can come to live in the upper reaches of your set range of happiness.”

How a Born Pessimist Learned to Be Happy

Martin Seligman is a world renowned author and psychologist who describes himself as a born pessimist.  In 1965 he stumbled on to field of study that would change his life and the life of all of us who suffer from things like irritability and depression.  In doing experiments with dogs he found something completely unexpected.  He gave dogs a mild shock paired with a tone (rather than pairing a tone with food as had been done in classical conditioning).

He expected that once the dog was conditioned, whenever the dog heard the tone he would associate it with the shock, feel fear, and run away.  Instead he found that the conditioned dogs just pathetically laid back and took the shocks.  Apparently, what the conditioned dog learned was that trying to escape from the shocks is futile. This dog learned to be helpless.

A new field of study was born, one perfectly fitted to a born pessimist.  The theory of learned helplessness was then extended to human behavior, providing a model for explaining depression, a state characterized by a lack of affect and feeling. Depressed people became that way, Seligman felt, because they learned to be helpless. Depressed people learned that whatever they did, it was futile. During the course of their lives, depressed people apparently learned that they have no control.

On a summer’s day in 1998 Seligman had another critical insight and his personal and professional life shifted once again.  “It took place in my garden while I was weeding with my five-year old daughter,” Seligman remembers.  “I am goal-oriented and time-urgent and when I’m weeding in the garden, I’m actually trying to get the weeding done. Nikki, however, was throwing weeds into the air and dancing around. I yelled at her. She walked away, came back, and said, ‘Daddy, I want to talk to you.’

‘Yes, Nikki?’

‘Daddy, do you remember before my fifth birthday? From the time I was three to the time I was five, I was a whiner. I whined every day. When I turned five, I decided not to whine anymore. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And if I can stop whining, you can stop being such a grouch.’

“This was an epiphany for me. As for my own life, Nikki hit the nail right on the head. I was a grouch. I had spent fifty years mostly enduring wet weather in my soul, and the last ten years being a nimbus cloud in a household of sunshine. Any good fortune I had was probably not due to my grouchiness, but in spite of it. In that moment, I resolved to change.”

7 Steps for Becoming Happy

1.    Learn the Happiness Formula

Here is the happiness formula developed by Dr. Seligman:  H=S + C + V.

H is your enduring level of happiness.

S is your set range.

C is the circumstances of your life

V represents the factors under your voluntary control.

There are many things that will increase our momentary happiness:  Chocolate, a good movie, flowers, new clothes, sex.  But to achieve enduring happiness takes more work.

2.    Take the Happiness Test

The following scale was devised by Dr. Sonja Lyubominsky, one of the world’s leading happiness researchers.

For each of the following statements and/or questions, please circle the point on the scale that you feel is most appropriate in describing you.

A.    In general I consider myself:

1                  2                       3                     4               5                   6             7
Not a very                                                                                                      A very
Happy person                                                                                    Happy person

B.    Compared to most of my peers, I consider myself:

1                 2                       3                     4               5                    6              7
Less happy                                                                                            More happy

C.    Some people are generally happy no matter what is going on.  To what extent is this true for you?

1                2                       3                      4                5                  6               7
Not at all                                                                                               A great deal

D.  Some people are generally not very happy, never as happy as they might be.    To what extent is this true for you?

1                2                       3                      4                5                  6               7
Not at all                                                                                               A great deal

To score the test, total your answers for the questions and divide by 4.  The mean for adult Americans is 4.8.  Two-thirds of people score between 3.8 and 5.8.

3.    Imagine Your Parents Taking the Test.  How would they score?

Research shows that half of your score on the happiness test is accounted for by the score your biological parents would have gotten had they taken the test.  This may mean that we inherit a “steersman” who urges us toward a specific level of happiness or sadness.  This is our set range.

4.    Change the Circumstances in Your Life That Really Matter.

“The good news about circumstances,” says Seligman, “is that some do change happiness for the better.  The bad news is that changing these circumstances is usually impractical and expensive.”  Here are some of the circumstances that people believe will increase happiness:

  • Having more money.
  • Getting married.
  • Being healthy.
  • Good social life.
  • Avoiding negative events and emotions.
  • Getting a good education.
  • Live in a sunnier climate.
  • Engaging in religious practice.

Surprisingly money, health, education and living in a sunny climate had no effect on happiness.

Getting married and having a rich social network had a strong effect on happiness.  Avoiding negative events and emotions and engaging religious practice had a moderate effect.

5.    Don’t Dwell on the Negative.

Many people believe that in order to be happy they have to focus on all the negative things in their lives, find out what is causing them, and fix what is wrong.  In fact, research shows that the more we focus on what we don’t like in our lives, the more unhappy we will become.

Depressed men and women tend to ruminate and chew on all the things that are going wrong in their lives.  They believe that a bad events that happen to them are permanent and will persist.  Those people who are generally happy have a different view of the world.

6.    Focus on Gratitude and Forgiveness.

Those who would be happy ruminate on happiness.  They assume if something bad happens, it is temporary and will soon pass.  They focus their attention on feeling gratitude for what they have and look forward to more good things happening in the future.

I tell my clients that life has two windows. Look out one window and you will see all the negative things going on in the world:  Anger, violence, wars, poverty, death, suffering.  Look out the other window and you will see a different world:  Love, compassion, care, support, emotional richness, hope.  Both exist, both are real.

Happiness depends on which window you spend most of your time looking through.  When we look out one window we feel gratitude for all that we have.  When we look out the other window, we see all that we do not want.  Which window are you looking through?

Many of us carry old wounds from times we were hurt.  We also carry a lot of anger and blame within us.  We hold on to grudges for years.  Forgiveness is one of the most difficult, yet healing things we can do.  At some point in our lives we have to accept that the wounds inflicted on us were done by people who themselves were wounded.  At that point, we don’t forget, but we do forgive.

7.    Reach out today and let someone know that you care.

In our busy lives we often forget that a little recognition and appreciation can go a long way in making someone’s life a little more cheerful.  We can all use a little more love today as we reflect on those we have lost.  Make this a day that we show we care.

I value your comments.  What do you think about these 7 steps?  What are some things you do to be happier?

Photo Credit:  www.Freedigitalphotos.net

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Energy Healing Tool – Attachment Love

April 16, 2012 By 6 Comments

I wrote MenAlive to offer specific tools that were easy to learn and use, scientifically sound, and effective in preventing and treating stress that harms us all.  The emerging field of Energy Healing offers many different approaches.  After reviewing the field, I chose to offer four:  Earthing, Heart Coherence, Attachment Love, and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT).  If you’d like to learn about the other tools described in the book, send me an e-mail:  Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Energy Tools” in the subject line.

When I first met Sue Johnson she had just completed a tremendous amount of research on Attachment Love and was releasing her new book, Hold Me Tight:  Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love to the public.  The conference was held in Los Angeles and triggered old memories of growing up there.  Like Johnson, my early experiences were colored by the pain and suffering I saw in my family.   My parents rarely fought, but I can still picture my father’s angry eyes and my mother’s shaming whispers to her friends about my father’s inability to make a good living.  Many therapists go into the field to try and understand their own parents, what happened to them, and what is happening to so many families today.

As I developed my therapy skills, it became evident to me that a lot of the problems people come to therapy to address have to do with their relationships with loved ones—a spouse, a parent, a child.  It is clear that couples work is helpful, but working with them had been difficult and not always successful.  Dealing with two people, two sets of hot emotions, and escalating fights, is not for the faint of heart.

Sue Johnson had similar experience, but has found answers that are changing the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and how we can help ourselves and others.  Couples therapy is in the midst of a revolution.  The key element in this revolution is the development of a new science of love and love relationships. As baseball legend Yogi Berra told us, “If you don’t know where you are going, you wind up somewhere else.” Without a clear model of love and the process of connection and disconnection, it is difficult to know how we can heal our past and have the kinds of loving relationships we want in the present.

The most recent scientific studies on love offer surprising understandings.  They tell us that the nature of our emotional attachment with our partner is the foundation for the kind of love we truly long to have—a love that is secure, intimate, and gets better as time goes on.

In their book, Attached:  The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find—and Keep—Love, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller tell us that “dependency is not a bad word.”   They go on describe the key findings from the new science of love:

  •     Your attachment needs are legitimate.
  •     You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup.
  •     A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind.  If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call!

This certainly wasn’t what I learned in graduate school when I was studying Freudian theory and being taught t psychotherapy for individuals and couples.  I was taught that maturity means being independent and self-sufficient. If I felt afraid or needed to be held and comforted, I felt I was acting like a baby.  I was sure if I didn’t “act like a man,” I’d have no chance to find a woman who would want me or to hang on to one once I found her.

I now understand that my desire for nurture and connection had been based on science, not sentimentality.  It was one of those life-changing “ah, ha” moments.  My whole life I had been putting myself down whenever I felt I needed love, touch, and nurture.  I told myself, and others told me, that if I acted “needy,” I wasn’t a real man.

  •   “Quit acting like a child.”
  •   “Don’t look so defeated.”
  •   “Man-up!”

These were some of the words that would cut me to the core and enveloped me in shame. I learned early on, as did most men, to keep my feelings locked inside and show the world that I could “take it” like a man without flinching or showing any weakness.       It was truly an experience of emotional freedom to realize there wasn’t something wrong with me.  The real problem isn’t our desire for emotional nurturing and intimacy, it is a culture that denies our real needs and teaches people that to be “normal” is to be distant and independent.

Activating Attachment Love In Your Own Life

In her book, Hold Me Tight:  Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Johnson tells us how to understand the true nature of love and how we can all express it more fully in our relationships.  In Dr. Johnson’s program the key to a lifetime of good sex and love is “emotional responsiveness.”  The basis of Dr. Johnson’s approach is to teach people the secrets contained in the phrase “How ARE you really?”

  •  A is for Accessibility:  Can I reach you?

This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure. It often means being willing to struggle to make sense of your emotions so these emotions are not so overwhelming.  You can then step back from disconnection and can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues.

  • R is for Responsiveness:  Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

This means tuning in to your partner and showing that his or her emotions, especially attachment needs and fears, have an impact on you.  It means accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them.  Sensitive responsiveness always touches us emotionally and calms us on a physical level.

  • E is for Engagement:  Do I know you will value me and stay close?

The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, involved.  Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one.  We gaze at them longer, touch them more.  Partners often talk of this as being emotionally present.

True Connection:  Using Your Attachment Love Tool

Thich Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk, is an internationally known author, poet, scholar, and peace activist who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr.  His view of love is not based on scientific study, but he offers simple practices that fit well with what Sue Johnson and other attachment clinicians and researchers have found.

In a wonderful little book, True Love:  A Practice for Awakening the Heart, he offers a simple, yet powerful process for expressing the emotional heart connection that can help us express our true love for our partner.  “In Buddism we talk about mantras,” says Hahn.  “A mantra is a magic formula that, once it is uttered, can entirely change a situation, our mind, our body, or a person.  But this magic formula must be spoken in a state of concentration, that is to say, a state in which body and mind are absolutely in a state of unity.”  He offers three love mantras that we can use every day.

  • Mantra #1:  Being present for your loved one.

When you are thinking about your loved one or when you are in their presence you say this simple phrase:  “Dear one, I am really here for you.”  When say this simple phrase when I think of Carlin, I can feel my heart open to her.  It makes us both feel wonderful.  Even when she’s not physically present this works.  “Dear one, I am really here for you.”  Of course we can say these little mantra’s out loud in our own words.  I’ve often said with deep feeling when I see Carlin is hurting, “Hey, babe, I’m really here for you” and give her a hug.

  • Mantra #2:  Recognizing the presence of the other.

When you are really present for a loved one, you have the ability to recognize and “see” your partner in all their beauty.  One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is to recognize and appreciate who they really are.  As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “To love is to be; to be loved is to be recognized by the other.”

When we are loved, we wish the other to recognize our presence.  You must do whatever is necessary to be able to do this.  Take a deep breath in and release it.  Do this several times.  Then say the second mantra:  “Dear one, I know that you are here, and it makes me very happy.”  Again, we can put this in our own words.  I’ve often looked at Carlin with tears in my eyes and told her, “I’m so glad to be married to you.  Having you in my life makes me feel warm and safe.”

  • Mantra #3:  Being there when someone is suffering. 

We’ve all experienced how good it feels when someone is there for us when we’re in physical or emotional pain.  We also know how awful it is when we’re hurting and our partner is not there for us.  I know I’m not a very good patient.  When I’m sick in body, mind, or spirit, I often get irritable and angry.  It isn’t easy for Carlin to be there for me when I’m like that, but that’s when I need her the most.

“When you are living mindfully,” says Hahn, “you know what is happening in your situation in the present moment.  Therefore it is easy for you to notice when the person you love is suffering.”  At such a time you go to him or her, with your body and mind unified, with concentration, and you offer the third mantra.  “Dear one, I know that you are suffering, that is why I am here for you.”  Recently Carlin found out that she had a small breast tumor that was found early and removed.  During the months of testing, preparing, and having the surgery, I repeated this mantra many times.

I’ve expanded on these mantras and use a simple set of Attachment-Love practices that allows us to connect deeply with our needs for love and support in our intimate relationships.  If you have a love partner you can use it deepen your connection.  If you don’t have one, you can imagine the kind of person you would like to be in love with, or to remember a time when you felt intimate and close to another person.  This tool draws on what I’ve learned in my own love life, as well as what I’ve learned from Sue Johnson, Thich Nhat Hahn, and others.

  • Accept that we are deeply dependent on the love of our partner.  

Close your eyes and take in a number of deep breaths.  Slowly let them out.  Allow yourself to feel your emotional need for your loved one.  Say to yourself, “I know you love me and I need your love and support.”  Remember a time when you were deeply and completely loved.  If you don’t remember ever having felt loved so completely, imagine what it would feel like.

  • Remember that our partner is deeply dependent on our love. 

Take in and release a few deep breaths.  Remember that your partner needs your love and support.  Say to yourself, “I love you deeply and know how much you need my love and support.  Remember a time when you allowed yourself to be totally open and loving with your partner.  If you don’t remember ever having been so completely loving, imagine what it would feel like.

  • Allow your partner to respond to you when you are hurting.

Take in a few deep breaths and release them.  Remember that we often need our partner the most when we are hurting inside.  Recall a time when you were feeling scared, hurt, or wounded and your partner responded with warmth and support.  If you don’t remember ever allowing a partner to see your hurts and offer support, imagine what it would feel like.

  • Allow yourself to respond to your partner when she or he is hurting.

Take a number of deep breaths and let them out.  Remember that your partner may need you the most when they are hurting, but their hurt may come across as irritability, anger, or some other emotion that may cause you to become more distant.  Recall a time when you were totally there for your partner when they were hurting or if you haven’t had that experience, imagine what it would feel like.

The Attachment Love Tool is simple and effective, but it isn’t easy to use.  Many of us don’t have a lot of experience being emotionally supportive to our partner.  We often feel inept and so don’t reach out to them.  We may also have a difficult time allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to our partner.

Photo Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/ngmmemuda/4473916695/in/photostream/lightbox/

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