Most of us remember what it was like to fall in love. We are energized, fully alive, passionate, and ecstatic. We wake up thinking about our loved one and fall asleep with a smile on our face, if we can fall asleep at all. We are consumed with love and want it to last forever. But, for most of us it doesn’t. The honey-moon phase of our relationship comes to an end. We fall into our normal routines of work, family, and the stresses of living. Even after the ecstasy and joy of those early years wears off, many of us find contentment and happiness in a long-term, committed, relationship. Others lose that loving feeling and move on. But we never lose the desire to be head-over heels in love.
If you thought that a passionate, knock-your-socks-off, marriage was only for the young or only for the first few years of marriage, think again. My wife, Carlin, and I have been married 33 years and we’re as passionately in love now as we were in those early days, months, and years of our marriage. We’ve both been married twice before and have worked hard to learn the lessons of what didn’t work in the past and what we could do differently this time around. We have told friends that “the third time is the charm.” But I never fully understood how we’ve managed to keep love alive and well after being together for more than 30 years until I read Bruce Lipton’s book, The Honeymoon Effect: The Science of Creating Heaven on Earth.”
“Think back on the most spectacular love affair of your life—the Big One that toppled you head over heels,” says Lipton. “For most, it was a time of heartfelt bliss, robust health, and abundant energy.” Lipton calls it the “honeymoon effect.” It’s crazy wonderful while it lasts, but we believe that the feelings must inevitably fade away. But they don’t have to. We can keep love and passion alive throughout our lives. We just need to learn a few of the secrets.
Real Passion is About Bonding, Not About Romance or Sex
When people talk about passion in their relationship and what may have gotten lost over time, they usually are focused on romance or sex. Women will often tell me, “He doesn’t romance me like he used to. Where did the passion go?” Men will often tell me, “Our sexual life is missing something. Where did the passion go?” A couple may try to create a more romantic or sexually stimulating atmosphere. He tries to inject more romance into their lives and brings her flowers and flowery greeting cards. She buys sexy underwear and exotic perfumes. Though things may improve for a while, it doesn’t recapture the feelings of falling in love.
Why not? I’ve learned that real passion has more to do with the emotional bond we have with our partner than it does with sex or romance. Sex and romance can enhance our emotional bonds, but they won’t create them. In fact, a good sexual and romantic relationship grows from a sense of being solidly bonded to our partner. If our sexual and romantic relationships aren’t working, the first thing to do is check on the health of our emotional bonds. Why do we continue to “try and make love work” even after we’ve been burned numerous times? “You persist, despite your track record and despite dismal divorce statistics,” says Lipton, “because you are designed to bond.”
It’s said that women get interested in sex after they’ve felt a romantic connection with a mate. Men get interested in romance after they’ve felt a sexual connection. But both men and women turn on when they feel a special emotional bond. One of the world’s experts on finding and keeping love alive in relationships is Dr. Sue Johnson. In her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, she talks about the importance of the emotional bond between the couple. The basis of Dr. Johnson’s approach is to teach people the secrets contained in the phrase, “How ARE you really?”
A is for Accessibility: Can I Reach You?
This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts or are feeling insecure. Rather than turning away or isolating, we need to be open and vulnerable to our partner and share our emotions. Answer these questions about your partner and think about how your partner would answer them about you:
- Can I get my partner’s attention easily?
- Is my partner easy to connect with emotionally?
- Does my partner show me that I come first with him/her.
R is for Responsiveness: Can I Rely on You to Respond to Me Emotionally?
This means tuning in to your partner and showing that his or her emotions, especially those having to do with care and support, have an impact on you. Answer these questions about your partner and think about how your partner would answer them about you:
- If I need connection and comfort, will my partner be there for me?
- Can I lean on my partner when I’m anxious or unsure?
- If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, can I get it?
E is for Engagement: Do I Know You Will Value Me and Stay Close?
Most of us fear that we would lose our partner if we really opened up emotionally and let them know how vulnerable we are. We want to feel fully engaged even when we are most frightened. The dictionary defines “engaged” as being absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, and involved. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them longer and touch them more. Partners often talk of this as being emotionally present.
Answer these questions about your partner and think about how your partner would answer them about you:
- Do I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner?
- Does my partner care about my joys, hurts, and fears?
- Can I confide in my partner about almost anything, even things I know may upset him/her?
Many people feel that bonding, or what I call “attachment love” is only necessary when we are children. But this kind of love is important for humans from the moment of birth until the moment we die (and may, in fact, live on after our death). Learning the importance of emotional bonding is the first secret of keeping passion alive now, and forever. Once Carlin and I learned to stay open to each other emotionally, we found that passion didn’t need to fade away.
What has been your experience and how have you kept passion alive?
Let’s engage on Twitter @MenAliveNow
Really interesting post, Jed. Thanks for sharing it.
Scott, thanks for the comment. What interesting things have you been doing lately?
Excellent post! I am going to give the link to some of my clients and encourage them to follow along. As usual, you don’t dissapoint! Thanks Jed!
Lisa, Glad you found this interesting and valuable. I only write about things I feel some passion about and want to learn and share. Happy to see you (and others) pass it on to those you think would find what I write helpful.
My husband and I have been married twenty years and are working on reconnecting emotionally in a daily basis. We send each other affirmations and make sure we talk to each other and do more things together. We never lost sex we just lost the emotional “in love” connection and we both want that back. Thank you for this post. It really gives me some insight.
Me and my boyfriend were seriously in love for six years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another lady who promise to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding. And i was heart broken. So i take a bold step by contacting a spell caster who will help me bring my ex boyfriend back and in three day after i contacted him my boy friend who left me for another girl came back and start begging to take him back. Dr. Book is powerful and great his contact is drshalorspelltemple@gmail.com you can also contact him for help………..emilia from Brazil