I grew up with a depressed father and became a depressed son. My father took an overdose of sleeping pills when I was five years old, following years feeling anxious and depressed because he couldn’t make a living as a writer and actor. He didn’t die, but I lost his presence growing up. I grew up worried that what happened to him would happen to me. It took me many years to address my own depression and many more before I reached out for help. For too many men, we suffer in silence, feeling that somehow we should handle our problems ourselves.
Father’s day is a mixed blessing for me. I feel great joy to be alive and to have children and grandchildren I love. I also feel a great loss that my father left so early in my life and I never really got to know him. I also feel down because Mother’s Day always seems like such a big deal in the world, but Father’s Day seems like a minor event. Everyone reaches out to Mom, but Dad’s often are an afterthought, or we feel the ambivalence of a father who wasn’t totally present.
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), close to 1 in 10 American men suffers from depression or anxiety, but fewer than half get treatment, a new survey reveals. The nationwide poll of more than 21,000 men also found that among younger males, blacks and Hispanics are less likely than whites to report mental health symptoms. And when they do acknowledge psychiatric troubles, they are less likely to seek professional help than whites, according to the CDC.
“We suspect that there are several social and cultural pressures that lead black and Hispanic men to be less likely than white men to seek mental health treatments,” said report lead author Stephen Blumberg, an associate director for science with the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS).
“These pressures, which include ideas about masculinity and the stigma of mental illness, may be more pronounced for men of color,” he said. “And these same forces may lead men of color to be more likely to deny or hide feelings of anxiety or depression.” If this is true, Blumberg added, “then the (racial) disparities we observed could be even greater.”
I recently learned about a group who are trying to get men to open up and share their feelings. Interestingly the group is from the UK, not generally thought of as a country whose men openly share their feelings. But this group was actually started by three women. They call themselves, the Self-Esteem Team, and they work with young people in schools and colleges to improve their mental health and wellbeing. They have developed a campaign called “Switch on the Light” which has started a conversation amongst British men in homes, schools, pubs, sports clubs, and online. It has now spread world-wide.
They asked celebrities to record a ten-second video in which they confessed a real worry they struggle with, to camera. Natasha Devon and her Self-Esteem Team colleagues, Nadia Mendoza and Grace Barrett, recorded a replica of each voice. The confessions begin in one of their, female voices, then switch to the male voice of the speaker. We are given a glimpse of the speaker, before their faces are finally revealed. At the end of the video a tagline reads: “Emotions have no gender.” The comments in the video struck a chord with me, and I’m sure with men everywhere:
- “Will today be another day when I say ‘fine’ when someone asks me how I am?”
- “I worry about being a good partner. Am I doing enough, earning enough…”
- “My main fear has always been my mental state coming between me and a loved one, that they may not understand I cannot control when a moment of panic arrives.”
- “I have been blessed with so much in life. I have been given luck, love and prosperity, but I’ve never felt that I’ve deserved those things. I fear every night that they’re going to be taken away from me.”
The video is dedicated to James Mabbett, a close friend of Self Esteem Team member Nadia Mendoza, whose life was lost to suicide earlier this year. He was only 24 when he died.
Instead of Father’s Day being just another day for gifts and celebration, perhaps it can also become a day of healing. Maybe we could share openly some of the things we worry about or are afraid might happen. Here are a few of mine:
- “I worry about the world my children and grandchildren will face.”
- “It scares me to think about the increasing divide between groups of people.”
- “I worry how expensive it is to run for office and the quality of the people who have a chance to win.”
I think about my father and wonder how his life may have been different if he’s been able to get help for his worries and depression and the ways his emotional state impacted his health. I think about my own children and grandchildren and hope they will get the support they need to deal with their own challenges in life.
I look forward to hearing about the things that concern you. Hopefully, working together we can help heal each other, ourselves, and this wonderful world we all share.
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Hi Jed, Happy Dads Day!! Thanks for sharing your concerns regarding fathers and depression/anxiety. I have had many men walk into my office dealing with these issues. I usually ask them what is driving these issues in their lives? I then ask them (since I like to deconstruct diagnoses and focus on my client’s positive life experiences) to reflect on joyful times in their lives. Who was involved? What made it joyful? I then ask them how they can bring that joy back into their lives? What steps do they need to take? After several one-on-one conversations, I often invite men to visit our local open men’s group as a way of them coming into a healthy community of men; something many men have not experienced in their lives.
Today I had a wonderful father’s day experience: I participated in a gathering sponsored by our local Green Party candidate. Also present was our federal Green Party leader, Elizabeth May and some local indigenous elders. One of the elders called all the dads forward to receive a blessing. He proceeded to walk along the line of dads and smudge us with sage and the wind of an eagle feather. It was magical! I felt much joy in being at this gathering because I find the Green Party to be the most sensible and “real” political party on our planet. I am very hopeful that their time has come along with the continue re-empowerment of indigenous people so that our planet can heal from all the harm that we humans have done to her over the past two hundred years.
Blessings,
Grant
Grant, thanks for sharing. There are, indeed, many positive things going on in the world. We are surrounded by the negative and its not surprising that so many of us are becoming depressed. There are real problems that we face in our personal lives and also real problems that we face as a human species living on a planet with limited resources. We know that there are limits and we must live within them. But our social attitudes and desire for “more” drive us to the mistaken belief that we can continue to live beyond our means. In many was depression is nature’s (God’s) way of telling us we must change our ways or die.
Hello Jed,
I have some thoughts about this topic. 1st, I remember SEVERAL times trying to talk with Dad about issues I felt were important, and his response was to plain ignore me. (Sports Center was way more important than speaking with me). Another response was he would yell at me at the top of his lungs to scare me into not talking/no dialogue period which also worked. I feel very sad, angry, and regretful that Dad has been nothing more than a bully and a adversary for me to fight and rebel against. I’ve learned that I’m not important to Dad enough to have a true father/son relationship. In his eyes, I’m just plain garbage and not even a person with my own thoughts and indentity
Christopher, Thanks for sharing your experiences. Its painful to remember times of neglect, abuse, and abandonment. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves physically and emotionally so we can begin healing the wounds. We often take in negative beliefs about ourselves that limit our ability to love ourselves and others. That can be healed, but it takes time. I wish you well on your healing journey. I write because it helps me heal.
Jed, Is it normal that I just don’t feel any attachment/bond toward my father?
Dad has told me many times that I won’t heal unless I tell counselors “the truth”—In his mind, all the HATEFUL things he has told me are all made up in Christopher’s mind, and I’m emotionally disturbed needing medications. All those times when Dad was punching/hitting me due to his explosive temper never happened either. I very clearly remember those events like they were yesterday, and MOM saying “you got what you deserved Christopher because you provoked your father again”.
The person who should have got the blame was DAD; not me . This is one of many things I’ve been carrying around emotionally and physically that I shouldn’t have
Christopher, We all want to have a bond with our Dads and we wish that bond were based on love and respect. But when those we love are abusive (often they have been abused when they were young), we are still bonded, but it is a trauma bond that can keep us hooked on our abuser, even after we have left home. So, breaking free is necessary, and it starts by telling the truth to yourself and others about the abuse you experienced and how it impacted you then and now. Good for you for having the courage to begin that process. That’s the first step in healing the old wounds and allowing your present relationships to be infused with love, not fear.