Most of us could claim to be experts on stress. We know the feelings of being rushed and overwhelmed, of running around trying to get more and more done with less and less time. But some of us are more expert than others. I’ve written two books on stress and the harm it does to our lives: MenAlive: Stop Killer Stress with Simple Energy Healing Tools and Stress Relief for Men. I taught people how to recognize the damage stress did to our body, mind, and spirit and how to combat stress. But like many experts on stress I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Recently I’ve learned that there are different kinds of stress and not all stress is bad. In fact, stress can be good for us and rather than avoiding stress, reducing stress, or combating stress, we might learn how to use stress more effectively. In my books I described the work of Dr. Robert Sapolsky, who did some of the early research on stress in the 1970s that many professionals, like myself, have used as foundational material in our own studies. Sapolsky’s work was the subject of the National Geographic documentary Killer Stress. The film focused on groundbreaking research that revealed surprising facts about the impact of stress on our bodies. It showed how it can shrink our brains, add fat to our bellies, and even unravel our chromosomes.
Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. is another expert on stress. For years she counseled and taught people about the dangers of stress. “I told people that stress makes you sick, that it increases your risk of everything from the common cold to heart disease, depression, and addiction, and that it kills brain cells, damages your DNA, and makes you age faster.” In a TED talk that has garnered more than 10 million viewers she told people why she had changed her mind about stress and offered the latest research she found that lead to her book, The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good for You, and How to Get Good at It.
Here are some of the upsides of stress that we are now coming to recognize:
- Stress focuses our attention.
We all know the feeling of stress when we are faced with an important deadline. I’m feeling one now as I’m finishing my next book, The Enlightened Marriage. I need to get the manuscript in to the publisher by next week. I’m in negative stress if I just sit and worry about whether I’ll get it in on time. Positive stress forces me to pay attention to my time and keep focused on my desire to have the book come out on time next year and be available to help a lot of people. If you’re feeling stressed, ask yourself, how can a more focused attention be used to help you be more effective in your life?
- Stress increases motivation.
Recently I learned that my grandson had gotten into serious trouble and been arrested. Negative stress got my caught up in a whirlwind of negative future possibilities. But I realized I could turn my negativity around and focus on what I could do. I wrote a letter to his lawyer and offered to come down to help support my grandson and his parents. I read up on what other young people are facing in our present criminal justice system, which seems to be more focused on punishment than justice. When you’re feeling stressed, focus on how it can motivate you to take positive action in your life.
- Stress mobilizes energy.
We recently decided to move into our little town of Willits. For 25 years we have lived out of town on 22 acres of land. For years we worried about the fire danger each summer and each winter we worried about the ice and snow on the roads. Negative stress would get us caught in endless cycles of fear. Positive stress got us mobilized to take action. We found a good realtor and worked with him to get our house listed. We also hired a photographer to take pictures that we put together into an attractive brochure. Mobilizing our energy for action, got our house sold and a new one bought in record time. When you feel stressed, take those fears and concerns and recognize the energy that is being created that can support your needs and desires.
- Stress increases social connection.
Many of us have heard of oxytocin, the hormone that is associated with love and connection. But oxytocin is also released when we are under stress. “Your stress response doesn’t just give you energy,” says Kelly McGonigal in her book The Upside of Stress, “In many circumstances, it also motivates you to connect with others.” I remember feeling overwhelmed with stress when I went to the doctor recently who found I had some irregularities with my heart. After the initial shock, I immediately called my wife and cried out my fears. Her love and support were comforting. In subsequent weeks, I talked to guys in my men’s group who had done through similar experiences. When you’re stressed feel the draw to reach out to others and act on it.
- Stress dampens fear and increases courage.
Oxytocin is much more complex than most of us realize. Not only does it help bond us to others, but it is also a chemical of courage. I learned that oxytocin dampens the fear response in our brain that would induce us to flee or freeze. It helps us act in support of others. This may be why a person finds super-human strength to lift a car off someone they love is pinned beneath. When you’re stressed, ask yourself, “what am I being called upon to do that would be helpful to others?”
- Stress helps us learn and grow.
Following a stressful experience we often review what happened. If we acted in a positive way we feel proud and marvel at what we were able to accomplish. If we didn’t act well, we want to know why we failed. Either way our minds are focused on learning important lessons for the future. What is stress teaching you about love, life, and caring?
- Stress helps us process our important experiences to find more balance in our lives.
Stress is disorienting. It is triggered by an event or series of events that moves us to action. After we’ve come down from the stress, we process what had occurred. The most profound learnings in my life have come through stressful events. I still remember the explosive pain I had in my head that brought me to my knees. It turned out I had a rare adrenal tumor that shot my adrenaline through the roof. After the surgery, I took stock of my life and felt the event was guiding me and my wife to move into our home in the woods. When you’ve recovered from a stressful situation, ask how it can re-balance your life.
What’s been your own experience with stress? Do you see stress as all bad or are there upsides to your stress that can enhance and enrich your life?
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Great article, Jed. It points out the old adage that every problem is also an opportunity. You have given us a list of ways to perceive and use that opportunity.
Cal, thanks. This new research reminds me that we don’t have to be victims of anything in life. We can change our internal world through our emotions and intentions, and can actually change the way our DNA expresses itself. So dealing with the stresses of life, with the right mind/body/soul-set is no big deal.
Thanks Jed for sharing about the positive side of stress. I’m suffering from one right now that has made me loose 6kgs within a month but will try squeeze a lemon and make lemonade out of it. Many thanks. My life is at risk. Will do something about it now.