All marriages begin with great happiness, joy, and hope. When we say “I do” we expect that our relationship will last forever. No one goes into a marriage thinking, “We’ll be in love for a while, then break up and start all over again with someone else.” But that’s the reality for most of us. Approximately 40% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. The great majority of us don’t give up. A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that 75 percent of women and 80 percent of men who have a failed first marriage will remarry, usually within five years.
But the odds get even worse for second and third marriages. According to Skip Burzumato, assistant director of the National Marriage Project and psychiatrist Mark Banschick, author of The Intelligent Divorce, approximately two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce. Banschick says the divorce rate for third marriages is 73 percent. If that weren’t bad enough, most intact marriages aren’t necessarily great marriages. Ty Tashiro, author of The Science of Happily Ever After, says the majority of marriages fail. They either end in divorce and separation or devolve into dysfunction. Only 3 in 10 marriages remain healthy and happy.
No wonder people are discouraged. Singles are afraid to try again and those who are married worry that it’s just a matter of time before they hear these dreaded words. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I want a divorce.”
I’ve got some good news for those who haven’t given up on love. You can have a great marriage that lasts forever and I’ll show you how. My wife and I beat the odds. We’d both been married and divorced twice before we met, fell in love, and married. I’m happy to report that we’ve now been together for 36 years and we’re more in love today than when we first got together. Here’s what we learned:
- Pick the right partner
This may seem obvious. Of course we want to pick the right partner. But most of us are drawn to people who are not right for us and many perfect partners are invisible to us. For many years I would be drawn to women who were sexy, exciting, dangerous, and not the right partners for me. I ended up feeling irritable, depressed, and hyperactive. I wrote a book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.
When I met Carlin she was invisible to be as a potential partner. She was taller, older, and didn’t have “the look” that turned me on. It took us time to realize that we were perfect for each other. How many people have you looked right through because they weren’t your type?
- Don’t let fear and lust sabotage your relationship
Since Carlin didn’t fit my old stereotypes and stimulate those parts of my brain that would immediately inflame my passions, I began to back away. I told myself she just didn’t have “it” that the chemistry just wasn’t there. It took us both awhile to realize we were afraid of a real, healthy relationship. I began looking at other women and had a one night stand that almost sunk Carlin and me. We hung in there and began to learn what a healthy relationship was really like.
- Learn the 5 stages of love
I had always though there were only two stages of love. The first stage where we fall madly in love (or at least lust) and deeper stage of love where we get to know each other and enjoy the affection that only comes when we know the other person. After being married to Carlin for nearly four decades, I realize there are 5 Stages of Love.
- Falling in Love
- Becoming a Couple
- Disillusionment
- Creating Real Lasting Love
- Finding Your Calling as a Couple
I detail these stages in my forthcoming book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come.
- Embrace the incompatibility of stage 3
In my two previous marriages I became disillusioned. Things started off wonderfully, but after being together a number of years, it seemed that we just weren’t compatible. Sometimes we fought, but mostly I just stuffed my feelings hoping things would get back to the way they used to be.
It wasn’t until Carlin and I hit the “disillusionment” period that I realized this was an opportunity to go deeper rather than get out and move on. I learned that we had projected a lot of our illusions on our partner and we now had a chance not only to become real, but also to heal a lot of the wounds we each received from our childhood relationships with our parents. These wounds created a faulty love map that has kept us from having the real, lasting love we crave. In Stage 3, we have the opportunity to heal these wounds and become fully ourselves
- Love your partner like you wish you were loved as a child
I’ve always believed that childhood needs are for nurturing and care, but when we grow up other needs become more important—Things like good sex and good communication (Like my wife saying, “You’re so sexy. I want you, now!” But it turns out our core needs don’t change as we grow up. According to Mark Brady, Ph.D., author of How Parents Screw Us Up (Without Really Meaning to), there’s one big question that all brains want answered, and they want it answered, “Yes.” Adult’s brains, children’s brains, all brains. And they don’t want a lukewarm “Yes,” or a “Maybe Yes” or a “Getting-to-Yes Yes.” They want a substantial, resounding, unequivocal, “Hell YES!” Yes.
Brady says that the brain’s big question is “Are You There For Me?” He tells us that our children’s brains (and our adult brains as well!) are continually asking this basic question, whether we’re aware of it or not. The question takes many forms in children’s brains and resulting behavior, of course: Do I matter enough that you’ll put me first when I need you to – ahead of your job, ahead of your friends, even sometimes ahead of yourself? Can I count on you to attend to me in the ways I need you to? Do I truly and deeply matter to you? These questions are being asked – nonverbally through behavior often – and when they get answered “Yes,” our children can relax and begin to feel safe, just as we are often able to do in our own intimate and business relationships.
But it’s clear we don’t outgrow these needs. Adult still want to know every day, “Are you there for me?” Canadian psychologist, Susan Johnson thinks about it this way: “These safe bonds reflect deep primal survival needs for secure, intimate connection to irreplaceable others. These needs go with us from the cradle to the grave.”
- Answer your partner’s bids for love every day
Take a moment to think about the importance of emotional connection between a child and parent. A baby cries and a father responds with attention and comfort. A little girl is disappointed when her basketball team loses and her mother listens to her story and gives her a hug of support. As parents we recognize the importance of hearing the request for connection that our children are constantly asking for, and responding positively. We may not always do it effectively, but we know it’s important. There are times we’re too tired, stressed, or preoccupied to connect deeply, but we know that our children need this kind of support to grow up to be confident, caring adults.
However, we often don’t recognize that the need for emotional connection between loving partners is just as important as the connection between a parent and a child. This is what marriage expert John Gottman has demonstrated. We never outgrow our need to have our partner respond positively to what he calls our “bids for connection.”
“In a committed relationship,” says Gottman, “partners constantly ask each other in words and deeds for support and understanding.” He says that these bids “can be as simple as ‘Could you get me a beer?’ or as profound as ‘I need you’ after a scary medical diagnosis.”
If you want your relationship to last be tuned to your partner’s bids for connection and respond positively.
- Learn how to save your midlife marriage
If you’re going to have a marriage that lasts you have to get through mid-life together. It turns out that isn’t an easy task. Most couples are looking forward to the time after the kids are grown. “This is our time,” many hope. But mid-life is a downer for many (Studies show we are generally happier in our younger years and again as we get older).
We often think our partner is to blame for our unhappiness. I talk about this in a popular article I wrote, “Five Secrets for Saving Your Midlife Marriage: Even When Only One of You is Trying to Keep it Alive.” As I say, “It may take two to Tango, but it only takes one person to get a relationship back on track. It’s never easy, but you can do it.
I’ll enjoy your comments and questions. If you have other secrets for having a great marriage, please share them. Join me on Facebook.
Great article, Jed. I always appreciate your candor and personal disclosures, keeping it real. I gleaned some courage from this article, and some insight, especially for the “right” person. Man, how do we know if someone is “right,” or to wait till someone more right (or not) shows up. Sometimes I think to wait, but then I might miss what’s presenting in front of me. It seems fate has lots to do with it; but then again, it might be just a matter of choosing and being ready. Oy, the pangs and mysteries of loving. I’m in the thick of it these days…such balance between the goal and the process. Steeping myself in the process as much as possible now…thanks for helping us. With love, Jack
Jack,
Thanks much. Glad you liked it and thanks for sharing your own personal challenges. Finding that special someone is truly a dance of love, lust, creativity, luck, and our own history and love map. I believe there are many “perfect partners” for us, but too many of us grow up with stories of “finding Prince Charming or our one-and-only love” and so worry too much of finding “the one.” Let your heart, mind, body, and soul guide you.
Before Carlin and I met we each had a clear list of the things we wanted in a partner, that coupled with trusting our intuition, lead us to each other. Then began the long journey to moving from the beach head of desire to the interior of real, lasting love.
Thanks, Jed. I take your words to heart and gut. We’ll be in touch…thank you, Jack
Hi Jed,
Once again, a very insightful article… My wife and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary this summer, and 35 years together (for both, our only marriages). It hasn’t always been easy… raising kids (one horribly difficult and destructive during his teenage years). We split up 17 years ago, as my wife told me that she no longer loved me…. I was devastated, but tried to carry on. After almost a year, we decided to go to a marriage Councillor, a move that saved us. I was stubborn and didn’t’ feel that “anyone” could help us, but “US”…. I was so wrong. We couldn’t fix this without help. This Councillor was amazing! He forced us to think…. to look back at the mistakes made through the years… I began to realize my mistakes and was determined not to continue making them! We were given “homework” to take back with us to try… Many times, we would walk into sessions feeling pretty good, and walk out angry at each other…. This is the healing process… breaking down the walls of communication failure. That was 17 years ago…. Every day, I think of a way to strengthen our bond together as husband and wife…. I never forgot what we went through and don’t ever want to be in that place again. I talk to other male friends, young and old… I dont want them to make the same mistakes I made. I think I can even say that I helped one of my closest friends save his marriage. They are much happier now, as they were on a toxic road together 5 years ago..
I am blessed with a loving and understanding marriage, to a woman who, I can truly say, is my soul mate. I am one lucky guy! 🙂
Alan, Thanks for sharing. I’ve found marriage to be a journey that isn’t easy, brings out the worst and the best in us, and has its purpose to heal old wounds and teach us about real, lasting love. I believe that them more people who share their real experiences, the more people will learn that saying connected, even during the difficult times, can pay off greatly in the long run.
Hi Jed,
Thank you for this article! It’s so true. I’ve been married only for a year.. We’ve found the first year of marriage a lot more challenging than we thought it would be!… Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had wonderful times together as a married couple! but sometimes we struggle to adjust to one another, which I don’t know if it’s completely normal and taking into account that we are from different countries, cultures, education, etc. There are close relatives in our lifes that don’t fully support our marriage, and we both have our own personal childhood issues that we have to work ( I have trust and abandonment issues and he grew up with a very controlling mother) But despite all this, I have not one single doubt in my mind that I love my husband with all my heart, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him! … We have work to do and I’m willing to do everything to keep a healthy and strong marriage… Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdoms and I will continue to follow your articles, I think it would be very helpful for us! Thanks again!
Mar,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Marriage is a process of deepening our understanding, care, and healing. It isn’t all about being “in love.” Part of the joy of loving deeply is to work through the process of getting to know each other as we really are. As you say, this includes our differences as well as the things we share. Glad you’re continuing to learn and grow. Keep us posted on how things progress.